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Q - Dear Annabelle,
I just got married in August to a man i have been with for 7 years. in that time we have had a beautiful little girl who is now 3. We just don't communicate at all with each other. My husband is going through a hard time right now with his mom who is very sick. I am trying to be there for his support but he has been hanging out at his sisterās house all day and not coming home until around 9 at night. so I canāt support him at all when he is gone. I donāt know what to do. Like I said we just donāt communicate at all. I have a hard time because we aren't intimate any more.
Please write back to me with some advice. I am strongly thinking about separation.
A - Dear Tonya,
Well, communication is one of THE most important elements in a marriage and, in my never-to-be-humble-opinion, it would be a VERY good idea for the two of you to go see a good marriage counselor. Thereās also a well written book by Dr. Deborah Tannen named ĪYou Just Donāt Understand!ā, and it can be ordered over the net from Amazon.com.
Youāve managed to get this far with your relationship, but, not only are everyday things impacting on the openness you have for each other, his momās illness is a major factor as well. (As you may know, no one is ever fully ready to lose a mother).
It sounds as if you are already effectively separated, and thatās not good for your child........BOTH of you need to find ways to make this work.....for her sake, as well as for your own. (Thatās what a Īmarriageā is......not just a big party that everyone enjoyed one day.) You sound stressed as well........this is the Ī for better or for worseā and Īin sickness and in healthā part , .....remember those words?
Fix him a good meal, sit him down and ask what you...together....can do to get through this. Getting through the tough times makes a marriage stronger. You can say something like, ćWhen you say/do _____(fill in the blank)_______, I feel _______(fill in the blank______ and, in the future Iād appreciate it if __________fill in the blank)_____ . Thatās one way to develop better communication. Ask for what YOU want. Donāt use Īyouā messages, use ĪIā messages, (take responsibility for your own behaviors and feelings), and state the difficulty YOU are having. Ask for his help in solving the problem. Good luck......this is tough, I know.
- Annabelle
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