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Q - Dear Annabelle,
I have been with my emotionally abusive husband for 14 years now, he was like this before we got married but I didn't "see it". I want out , I've had enough , and so have my kids, in fact they are telling me I'm doing the right thing. He is not a giving person whereas I am , or was. I seem to have "lost the ability to give" anymore.
I have never been surprised , or been given gifts or been romanced by this man , I don't know what I saw in him now. I don't love him at all , but I feel sorry for him. I have got lots of friends , both male and female, he has got none at all. I have recently got into personal development , and trying to become a better person - letting go of the past etc. I ask him about how does he feel about matters like this, and he changes the subject or tells me I'm looking into things too deeply. I think he is very shallow, and ignorant.
I have grown and he has not I want to continue to grow , but I realize I cant with him. I think he would stunt my personal growth - don't you..? And then, on the other hand, I long for him to "do things for me" - things I know he is NOT going to do in a million years. I ask him to surprise me - he says there are more important things to do with
HIS money - I just give up....?
He says if I leave him , he will never forgive me, as he has just decorated the bedroom -( which by the way took him 4 years to get round to doing). He has threatened to kill himself if I leave or he goes. He says he canât live without the kids, but when he is with them, he is too busy watching telly to spend time with them.
Would I honestly hurt him if I leave him.
He has told me he cant cry??????? why????????
I walk round the house on eggshells - frightened of setting him off. He checks the amount of gas/electric/petrol I use. This is not love, this is being stupid for stopping with an idiot for not realizing what he is going to lose if he doesn't love me the way I want to be loved-or am I wasting my time? Please advise as my life is running on empty at the moment and I deserve better.
A - Dear Tracey,
What you are describing is VERY disturbed behavior. He needs, at the very least, a medical checkup and a good shrink. Is he physically dangerous? I donât, (normally), ever suggest a separation, but his behavior is impacting seriously negatively on the children and how they will, (and are), learning about Îhow to beâ in the world.
Iâm asking about the Îphysically dangerousâ part because the personality type which you are describing can attack...and not always themselves. He talks about suicide....it sounds very manipulative and is certainly hateful. It really sounds as if he has never learned to ask for what he wants.....in plain English.
I REALLY recommend therapy, that he may release his pent up anger appropriately and learn better communication skills. He wants something......but what? And, for you to continue this way is doing no good at all. Youâre both at odds here. Even if HE wonât go to a shrink, YOU go. In ANY system, when one part changes, BOTH parts have to change or the system breaks apart....and, frankly, it sounds as if you arenât that far from that now.
Let's see if the change canât be for the better and if everyone canât get through this safely. This is VERY serious......but you know that.
I do want you to be aware of something else.........you said that you had NO idea he would be ths way..........Tracey, yes you did. You just chose to ignore it.
- Annabelle
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