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Q - Dear Annabelle,
Thank your for your response to my last e-mail. You mentioned that I had to change my behavior. It really made think and I did change my behavior, which led to many things that I had not known for certain.
I confronted my husband and told him is was time for us to separate. A few days later, he said he had to really sit down and speak with me. (He never did Īsit down and speak with meā. For three weeks, we slept in separate rooms.
One night, I walked from the den and into the garage and found that he and it smelled like marijuana. I asked him if he was smoking pot. He said Īno he was notā. But, I noticed that he could barely speak. I was soooo angry, I just felt I couldn't handle this anymore. I asked him to get help.
To make things short, he has two problems. He has also been diagnosed as a sexual addict by a counselor at Rutgers University. He's also a substance abuser. It's been 15 years, on and of,f that he has been doing this. He claims he is definitely going to get help and will do anything to make the marriage work.
My question is, do people with problems such as his recover, or am I wasting my time? His brother has the same exact problem, but is worse off because he is really into heavy drugs.
I have two beautiful children a 6 1/2 year old boy and a 7 month old girl. I just don't want them experience our unhealthy relationship. By the way, I do not take drugs nor do I drink or do any of those things. I feel I have been naive for so many years and was now hit on the head to wake up and
see reality.
I will be seeing a counselor regarding this problem next week. He is scheduled to see his counselor November 4th. He said he will also be attending a church support group for sex addicts. I don't know. I am so unhappy about the outcome of this marriage because the ones that are hurt and suffer in the long run are the kids.
Right now I don't feel like I love him because I am sooooo angry and so hurt. I don't know if it is worth sticking it out. Do you know what are the recovery percentages for people who attend counseling with his similar problem.
A - Dear Anick,
Itās possible that you and I, and his Īcounselorā have different definitions of Īaddictionā. A REAL addiction, such as alcohol or some drugs, is when the chemical ingested has actually changed the cellular structure of the organism ingesting it, to create an physical dependence on continuing ingestion to maintain stasis. ĪCrackā, methamphetamine, alcohol and a couple of other things will create this situation.
The behaviors that you are describing are not actual physical addictions, and are considered by the cognoscenti to be impulse disorders and compulsions. The human organism will Īself medicateā when under stress.....when Īstasisā, or Īequilibriumā is threatened. In an effort to either return to stasis or to change the awareness level to another mode, both sex and drugs can be used. Some organisms are Īthrill-seekingā, but this is not a true Īaddictionā.
You are most likely dealing with a character disorder and, in adults, character disorders, especially ones which provide pleasure, are virtually impossible to change. The person themselves would have to be SO motivated that they would NEVER again put themselves in a position of temptation. The twelve step programs can be very good, but these programs themselves can then become a substitute Īaddictionā...i.e., they provide symptom relief.
I wonāt say the prognosis is entirely negative, but, take a look a your life now. Where do you want to be in five years? How do you want it to be different, and, with things as they are, is that likely to happen? Remember, it is YOU who are requesting the Īchangeā, not he......what DO you think that information will do to the outcome? You might want to remember one more thing.............substance abusers LIE.
- Annabelle
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