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Q - Dear Annabelle,
O.K., let me make this as brief as possible. my boyfriend is in jail and has been for almost 2 years now. He s getting out in 2 months. We've got a 18 month old son together. I was with him since I was 16, but since he's been in jail, I've been seeing this guy for about 7 months now. I think I've falling in love, but I want my sonās life to be with his mother and father. I really love my boyfriend too. Should I wait? I'm just so confused about the whole thing. Please help!!!!
A - Dear Beth,
Perhaps Iām deluding myself.......do you REALLY want to know what to do with the situation youāre in? All right, here goes. Your sonās father is, at the very least, a conduct disordered personality. Do you want your son to grow up this way?
Letās end the Īconfusionā right now. Youāve done a Īgrown-upā thing in having a baby.......now all the other hopes and dreams you may have EVER had for yourself are secondary to your Īgrown-upā responsibilities. No, you donāt have Īotherā boyfriends. Thereās no confusion about that. That you want to have a life other than it is, is understandable, given that youāre just 21. However, once you become a mother, you fore went your previous agenda.
You say you want the baby to Ībe with his mother and fatherā. Would you also like your son to have a really GOOD mother and father? Then, if you want to stop the cycle of out-of-wedlock birth and general slutting around, (letās use the correct term here), what you MUST do is attend to your familial, social and community responsibilities. Earlier in the century, young, successful parenthood was common....the two of you CAN succeed at this, though if will be difficult.
When your husband-to-be gets out of jail, put BOTH of you into a good parenting course, as well as whatever courses are necessary to enhance your educational skills so your HUSBAND can earn a decent living to provide for HIS FAMILY. If you need to live with one of your sets of parents for a year or so while this is accomplished, so be it. And, by the way, if you DO live with parents, be sure they understand that BOTH of you are going to contribute materially to THEIR wellbeing in the form of house maintenance, general helping out, etc., as a way of repayment for their kindness and indulgence.
You have both exhibited inappropriate behavior -- you know it -- now own up to it and improve yourselves.
Your husband-to-be MUST work to correct whatever behavior that triggered the situation he is now in. If heās a sociopath, that changes everything......a sociopath has no conscience. In that case, you have an entirely different situation. Youāve gotten yourself -- yes, YOU did it -- into a dreadful muddle. Whether or not this pattern becomes your permanent life depends absolutely on the next choices you make.
Beth, you CAN do this, do you have the guts to do it.....the courage? Stay in touch.
- Annabelle
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