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Q - Dear Annabelle,
Here's my dilemma -- My boyfriend and I have been together for over 10 years, (we, basically, grew up together). During the course of our relationship, we both did a lot of damage. He has verbally and physically abused me in the past. I have cheated on him numerous times. We were once engaged to be married. We've lived together before. You name it, we've done it.
Our friends and family think we're both insane because no matter how much we seem to hurt one another, we can never leave each other alone. He has had other serious relationships in the past during breakups we have had and so have I -- but somehow we always get back together. In 1996 I got pregnant and we had a beautiful baby girl in 1997. I thought it was the beginning of us FINALLY doing the right thing by each other. About 5 months after our daughter was born, I found out that he had been seeing someone else for the past 4 years.
He said that it was so hard for him to make a decision, he knew that he was wrong for what he did, but he loved us both. And he began seeing her during one of our breakups, but when we got back together he kept her in the picture. So, for the last 5 months, like a fool in love, I continued to be a part of this 'love triangle' believing that he would eventually make a decision (especially since he continuously told me he would).
So, she and I knew about each other and yada, yada, yada. For a while I began suspecting that he was beginning to lie to me again. (I'm close to several members of his immediate family and they were hinting around). Just the other day I found out that my suspicions were true. I was so hurt because I felt like, Ī what was the sense in him lying again since I knew about her.ā
He claims it was because, although I agreed to temporarily stay in the triangle, I began to make demands on him concerning her that were not realistic. So now I've told myself that I've had enough of his s--t and I don't want to deal with unless it concerns his daughter. Of course he's trying to sweet talk me back into staying with him. He claims he wants to be a family but it's so hard for him to make a decision. He wants me to continue to give him until late summer to make his decision, (since I
initially agreed to do so, again like a fool).
It is so hard because I truly love him and want my daughter to grow up with her father living in the home. I grew up in a single-parent household and I wanted my daughter to be different. What would you suggest I do?
A - Dear Tasha,
What would I do? Well, for one thing, Iād get my self into a good psychologistās office immediately to find out WHY I put up with such a situation for the past ten years! (I could also say the male is a weak, spineless jerk, but that could be construed as rude.) However, you are not me. Now, letās take a look at something. Iāve looked at where you live, your age, and how your letter is structured. Iām also making a guess, from your name, that you live in a culture where this kind of behavior is not uncommon. If my Īguessā is correct, then YOU havenāt had good role-modeling and canāt clearly see how to change.
You do sound like a good hearted and well-intended woman so, here goes. Your daughter, has EVERY chance of repeating her motherās behavior unless YOU change, drastically, and soon. Thatās where the psychologist comes in, only that kind of change takes about two years. Now, that youāve been locked in a 10 year relationship with this male indicates that youāre both what are called Ībookendsā. That is, youāre a match.
A Īmatchā is when one system interlocks with another. Go and rent the movie, ćWhoās Afraid of Virginia Wolfä. Remember the Elizabeth/Richard Burton pairing in the real world? Now, those two were famously self-destructive, but one couldnāt keep away from the other. There are others in history who have done the same. Thatās what you and your erstwhile mate are doing. Breaking, or modifying, that bond is one of the most difficult things you will ever do and, yes, your daughter is being terrifically impacted by observed behavior.
Your child needs a stable environment, a reliable source of hugs and kisses......not screaming, crying and such. If this sounds impossible, you can easily understand how this scenario is perpetuated, and why the Jerry Springer show has a never-ending supply of people willing to display their pathology to an equally pathologically ravenous public.
You are inside a Īsystemā that, you are at least aware of. This male, (no Īmanā would behave this way), is showing an appalling lack of moral strength. And, no, it doesnāt matter WHO or what office-holder behaves this way, this behavior is not even in the best interest of the person demonstrating it.
I suggest that you look into the local chapter of Parents Without Partners. If there is not one near you, you and some friends might consider starting one. I hear your anguish over your situation. However, to just remain in that situation and not work to make a difference, not only in your daughterās life, but in your own, is to tacitly accept and to perpetuate it.
You CAN make a difference in this world.........you are NOT alone. Bless you for your willingness to change and to grow yourself -- and your daughter -- into a better place.
- Annabelle
Dear Annabelle,
I just want to thank you so much for responding to my letter. Somehow I didn't believe you would because I know you must have tons of
letters to reply to, but thank you again. And just to give you an update, I finally realized that I need to go to a psychologist and have began a
search. It's just so difficult because of so many factors -- cost, trust, comfort, etc. But I am searching. Thank you again.
A - Dear Tasha,
Yes, I do have Ītons of mailā to answer, does email have weight? Though your situation sounded desperate, you also sounded like an intelligent and thoughtful enough person that I wanted to take the time to respond to you......and, the welfare of your child is very important.
Finding a therapist may take some doing. Though I donāt know your financial situation, some excellent universities have intern programs where the therapists in training are supervised while their requisite hours are earned for licensure. If there is one near you you might want to interview a therapist or two to see if you can find a good match for yourself. The interns generally work on a sliding scale according to your ability to pay.
Good luck on your journey. Growth is always difficult, sometimes painful, sometimes joyful, and the results will be well worth your investment in time and money......your child will benefit greatly from having a mom who has learned to make healthier choices.
- Annabelle
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