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Q - Dear Annabelle,
My name is Debbie and I'm a 26 year old separated woman who is in a relationship with a single, 30 year old guy named Olaf. We love each other very much and have been living together for over 2 years now.
Our relationship started some years ago at work. We used to work with each other. I was engaged to be married and so was he. We fell in love and decided to tell our partners about our relationship and end it to be together. Olaf split up but I was confused and pressured from my parents to continue my relationship with my ex husband (Malta is a very religious country and my parents are no exception).
I got married unaware of whom I really wanted in my life. Olaf kept coming after me and I have no regrets. I split up from my husband to join the man I really loved. (Not that this was an easy task for me, I sacrificed a lot for the one I love). I saw
what I wanted and I went for it, at all cost.
Our relationship got on really well, up until recently. Our friends started to get married and, recently, a couple that we know quite well had their first baby. Another couple, that are really good friends of ours had a miscarriage and came to us for support. The couple living under us have a child as well that wakes up in the night, crying, and we could hear it.
This set me to thinking about my life. As I have explained I am 26 years old -- and have a heart condition. I cannot afford the risk of having babies in my thirties. I knew that Olaf did not want to have kids in his previous relationship, but when we started our relationship he assured me that he would. He has become quite materialistic, thinking mostly of money, the sacrifices and the irritation of having children. Olaf explained to me that he does not want children now because of the way this would change our life! (For the worse according to him).
I was quite shocked by this, of course. We had a big fight and we made up. He comes to me sometimes and tells me he would give me kids and that he would love them but, then again, sometimes he just insists again that he doesn't want any. I don't know where I stand, and I can't keep on hoping for a long time. Olaf comes from a family of 5, and I from a family of 3. Despite our past, our relationship with our in-laws is OK now.
Please suggest to me what I could do, I feel so frustrated.
A - Dear Debbie,
Well, I can certainly understand your frustration, you do have a problem here.......but then, you know that. Are children a problem? You bet! Are they a blessing? You bet! The Îcatchâ, if there is one, is that you NEVER know just WHICH kind of child youâre going to get........they range in temperament from Îvery easyâ to Îvery difficultâ and, not only is each one an individual and not necessarily a Îmatchâ for the parent that gets it, but the little critters donât even come with ownerâs manuals!
Since parenting is, in my never-to-be-humble-opinion, the absolutely *MOST IMPORTANT* assignment ANY adult, (note the use of the word ADULT), will undertake, my general rule-of-thumb is that, unless BOTH parents-to-(may)be are in absolute agreement, this is not generally a wise undertaking. Children can be wonderful, but if you EVER wanted to see how youâll react under stress, BOY!!, will you EVER get to find out in the next 21 years!! Youâll not only get to see the best side of yourself, you may discover that you can say words you never even knew that you knew.....and then hope like mad the munchkin doesnât go repeating them about the neighborhood.
Itâs a very personal decision. Your doctor, of course, would have some input, but there are other ways of appreciating the joys and challenges of having children without actually creating one of your very own.
For what itsâs worth, there are some very impressive statistics that show that marital satisfaction dips with the birth of the first child and doesnât rise again until the last child leaves home. With the other information youâve given me about Olaf, you might want to take that into consideration.
- Annabelle
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