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Q - Dear Annabelle,
I am a 22 y.o. single mom and I have a dilemma. I have finally met a wonderful man. We are planning to be married in December 1999, all is great. Problem, I have a 1 year old son. His biological father says he loves him and wants him but he never writes, calls or sends even small gifts to his son. He does not yet know that I have found this wonderful man. My son loves this new man and even calls him"da-da" and this man loves and treats my son as his own. My problem is that I do not want to hurt my son's real dad by this relationship I have committed myself into, meaning I do not want him to feel bad when my son is calling someone else his father.
I talked with my fiance about my concerns and he just said to not worry about it and if I don't feel comfortable telling him then not to. I have not been with my son's real dad for over a year, my son doesn't even know he exists, I try to show him pictures but he is
not interested. Would I be doing the right thing by just simply not telling him? Should I just not worry about his feelings being he has no concern for mine or my son's? I just want to know how to handle this situation. Thank you.
A - Dear TJ,
You sound like a very thoughtful young woman and I empathize with your problem. It is in your sonās best interests that he feel loved by one identifiable male in the context of a stable marital relationship. That you are still having lingering thoughts about his bio-dad is understandable, however, it is not in the munchkinās best interests to have you attempt to distract his focus just now. He has NO context for understanding your concerns, and attempting to spread things around like this would only be confusing to him. Youngsterās need the constancy of steady and reliable adult love...thatās where Ītrustā, the first building block of a stable human being, comes in. If your son leans to Ītrustā that the world around him is a stable and predictable place and that he is loved by the two grownups in his life, he will decide that he is a good and worthy person and that the world can be dealt with successfully. If he is successful at learning this, then everything else that follows on will seem within his abilities to deal with easily. If he does NOT learn to trust, then the rest of his life will be unstable as well. You sound as if you understand these things.......may all go well with you!
- Annabelle
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