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Q - Dear Annabelle,
When my boyfriend and I get in a fight, he always tells me what a bad person I am and if I loved him so much why do I make him miserable all the time. I have told him to leave if I make him feel so bad, but he won't. It doesn't make sense. I am good
to him, everybody that knows me says so and they say he's mean to me. He is very mentally abusive. we have a 2 month old baby girl. He has 4 other kids with 3 other women. None of his relationships have lasted but he blames all of them. I was married for 17 years and have 2 other children. I know this is a bad relationship but don't know how to end it. Help!
A - Dear Lori,
Let me see if I understand you correctly. You are with a weak-minded male over who you have ENORMOUS power. How do I know that? Because you have the POWER TO MAKE HIM MISERABLE. He has turned his emotional control over to you....a woman whom he belittles.He is not in control of his own life, or emotions, or even of himself..........he has turned it all over to you.....and you, according to him, are being a very Ībad mommyā indeed. Here you are, being Īgood to himā and heās STILL sulking...just like a petulant, pouty little boy who has learned to throw tantrums to control the Īmommy-personā. (Am I at all close on this one?)
The only claim he has to being a male is that heās been very Ī care lessā where heās put his penis and has scattered 4 other children in his wake........and now has one with you. You know, Iām sure, that any adolescent male can sire a child, but it takes a MAN to be a father.........and this guy is a pathetic representation of the species, indeed.
Now, that YOU have allowed yourself to become prey for a sociopath, (a person without a conscience), is notable only that is says something about how you view your SELF and your place in the world.......and how needy you have been to have a male in your bed. (I KNOW it gets lonely out there), but you knew going in what kind of guy this was and yet, coming from a culture that has let you believe that THIS is the best that you could do for yourself you have Īsettledā for the trash that drifted by. Iāll bet he has a charm and a way about him and you just wanted him soooooo bad, that now you have the responsibility to raise yet another child.........you needed this?
You say that you donāt know how to END the relationship? Youāre kidding, right? You go cold turkey and tell THIS turkey to take a hike...and mean it. You file for child support and make it stick.......and, since you obviously have a computer and net access, you spend your online time enrolled in SCHOOL and developing your skills AND your self esteem.
You put yourself in a position to not only be a loving, nurturing mother, but to earn an income while staying with your children and raising them to be decent adults who wonāt abuse women or let themselves be abused by men. THAT takes a lot of work, direction and energy........and courage. Do you have the kind of moxie that that sort of thing takes? Iām betting you do...........
- Annabelle
Q - Dear Annabelle,
Thank You for writing me back. I just got it tonight as my little girl just got out of the hospital. She's 2 months old and had some problems with her urethra tube that runs from the kidneys. She got very sick.
Anyway I cried when I read what you wrote, because my boyfriend always tries to tell me I'm nuts and messed up in the head ...(just when he's angry about something), and he tells me that, if I went to counseling, basically what they would have to say wouldn't mean much, (in so many words), because I would be lying to them anyway. He says my family all thinks I'm ok because theyāre all just as bad. He says I have everybody snowed over how I really am. I know it's all lies because I have a lot of friends.
I don't really hang around only a couple, cause we're all so busy with our own lives.
but I wanted to tell you more about myself. I am 37, I graduated. I am a 3rd degree black belt. I was married for 17 years and have 2 children from the previous marriage. (It really wasn't that bad of a marriage when I see what I have now.) We were having problems and my husband at the time decided to throw me around and kick me upside the head, he is a 7th degree black belt. So I called the cops, ended it, he went to prison, ( for 4 months), due to a previous assault. It was really hard to try to make it. I worked 2 jobs to try and support my 2 kids who are now 14 and 16. the divorce was actually final just this past May 1998.
In the meantime I met this other guy, who helped to break up my marriage. I have had a skull fracture a year ago September from him, (he had been drinking.) I tried to make him leave me alone but he called me every night and day until I would give in. Yes the sex was pretty good, and I fell for him somehow.
He accuses me of not loving him all the time. He always asks me, when I go somewhere, if Iāve seen my boyfriend. I only go to the grocery store or to k-mart. I went to school to get my insurance license, (more than an hour away), while I was pregnant. I did get it but haven't found a place to actually use it yet. During the first few months of my pregnancy I would spot and bleed sometimes, so the doctor wouldn't allow me to work.
When my boyfriend was angry with me he would say, " You're too lazy to go out and get a job", knowing I wouldn't risk the pregnancy. He has hardly any contact with his family, he has so much anger towards his mother, and doesn't really like his sisters much, only 1 of them out of the 3. There not all full blood except 1, (not one he cares much for.) He has to pay child support for 2 of the boys. He has mentioned shooting her so he won't have to pay. ( He hasn't said if for awhile though). 1 son he gave up for adoption so he didn't have to pay more support, and now regrets giving him up. The other boy is with his mother and he never sees him. They only dated briefly, she got pregnant, took off where he couldn't find her. She's back in the area but don't want him to see the boy because she knows how he is too! He's been married twice.
Even during the time of our little girl being in the hospital, he argued with me over stupid stuff. He barely ever says he's sorry and if he does, it seems he don't mean it, He's says I'm sorry, I guess. I am a very giving, tenderhearted, loving person and have given so much to him but still he says I don't. He says if I love him so much, I wouldn't make him feel so shitty about himself all the time. I don't ever try to do that. I do love him for some stupid reason but I know something has to be done. He also says stupid things like, when my 14 year old son was at the hospital seeing his little sister, whom he loves dearly, and my boyfriend is on the phone to me, (and, yes, I had an attitude
with him because he was being mean earlier and I just didn't want to talk to him.) So he says to me "every time that fuc--n brat is around, you get an attitude". That is so far from the truth. My son is a loving, kind boy who just wanted to see his baby sister.
And the day before that, when my son showed up to see her, my boyfriend got upset because he felt it should be Īourā time, it's Īourā thing not everyone else's.
I have always told him, nobody will ever come between me and my kids -- ever and he might as well hit the road if he thinks he will. We get in fights, over dumb things really, then a little while later he pretends it never happened. Then he wants to have sex and if I don't he says I have someone else. My 16 year old daughter is and honor roll student, works part time and goes to school, doesn't do drugs or alcohol (smokes cigs), isn't sleeping around. She helps out sometimes by buying food or little things
around the house, not much but I still appreciate what she does. She does have a mouth like any other teenager and is lazy when it comes to helping around the house, but she does her own laundry.
He always looks for something negative in her. What is wrong with him? Can he ever
change? with counseling? Please write as soon as possible.......Thank You for taking the time to care.
Oh, by the way, also anything a woman writes, such as a book to help relationships, he thinks it's bull----because a woman wrote it. He would say your opinion is bull----because you're a woman. He says he learned to be the way he is from women.
A - Dear Lori,
Why are you putting your children through this? Is your need to Īlove himā....and the sex, THAT good?? It would sure be nice if you could draw on your strength and toss this bum. Thereās a marvelous book. ćMen Who Hate Women, and the Women Who Love Themä, by Dr. Susan Forward that I VERY heartily recommend that you read. Itās a real eye-opener and youāll find yourself -- and him -- in there ...........in spades!! That this guy hates his mother, and, by extension, all women is a very clear indication of serious problems...the rest is just too complex to go into here. I donāt need to know more than youāve told me to tell you that, in my never-to-be-humble opinion this is a no-go from any angle that you care to look at it.
Unless you act as Īgatekeeperā, (i.e., this STOPS with me), the role-modeling that youāre doing for your children about Īhow grown-ups are in the worldā, is going to cause you grief for years, and perhaps generations, to come. Is good sex and your inability to stay apart from a damaged and damaging personality worth that? Where is your courage, woman? Youāve got moxie and youāre not using it! Now come on......get a grip here...I KNOW a hug...and Īall the other stuffā....... is nice, but do you REALLY want this ongoing strife in your life? You might want to consider circling the wagons with just you and your children.......and growing them into good, sound people, and exploring with a good psychologist just why it is that you are putting, not only them, but also yourself, through this nonsensical emotional meat grinder.
I know you have the strength to do it.....do you also have the determination?
- Annabelle
Q - Dear Annabelle,
I got your last letter to me. Just wanted you to know that he has been out of my house for about 3 weeks now. I made him leave. Since then, the first week he was gone we got in a huge fight because he still kept coming over to see me and the baby and always wanted to get me in bed. I finally told him no more just popping in when he wants especially since he kept promising to help us financially and then kept avoiding doing it.
Anyway since then we have been getting along pretty well. He stays at his aunt's house where he lives free so he has helped us a little and also worked on my car.
I told him if there would ever be a chance, he would have to go to church or something cause he has so much anger inside of him and I alone can't help him, that's already been proven. Anyway he hasn't been disrespecting me at all so far. As far as my kids, they don't hear any of the crap he said to me before.
He doesn't do it in front of people really. See there would be witnesses if he did.
In the meantime, I have put an ad in the paper for babysitting so I can stay home with my baby and make enough money to survive hopefully.I started a Billy Blank's TaeBo workout today. It felt good. I also went out Sat. night with my friend and my mom for
just 3 hours, did some dancing, had a good time. It's the first I have left the baby. I missed her of course, I called and checked on her, but it was a good break for
me. I also have talked to an friend who just opened an insurance office and is willingly to let me do some telemarketing from my home and some sales on the side as
I can fit into my schedule with the baby.
Things are going to get better. I know I will never put up with being treated that way again......We are still seeing each other for now, we'll see what happens in time, but I do know if this relationship ends for good, I will NEVER just accept anyone in my life. I am too good of a person for that, I deserve better, because I'm worth it!!!
I've also been reading a book called DON'T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF WITH YOUR FAMILY by Richard Carlson, it's really been good for me. Well, thanks for being there!!
I am going to try and find that book you recommended and possibly get into some counseling, if there's one available for low income people.
A - Dear Lori,
My dear, I am *PROUD* of you!!! : ) Wish I had an ĪAnnabelleā butterfly pin to send you...(someday Iāll begin to have those!).......youāve absolutely begun to do yourself AND your family proud! Now, donāt get discouraged.....this is a BIG change. You might even slip on occasion....just catch yourself and keep on keeping on. Way to GO!!!
- Annabelle
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