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Q - Dear Annabelle,
I am widow of 4 years with 2 children. My husband and I were in the military and lived away from home all of our married life. Now that he has passed away, I find myself feeling isolated and alone. But I have two children, 12 and 16. I would like to move back to my home to be closer to my family for companionship (I have six brothers and a sister with whom I am good friends.) I feel this would help me alot. My children would rather not move, and I don't want to do any thing that would disrupt their lives to the point of hurting them for life. Would moving be a very bad thing if they weren't 100% for it?
A - Patrice,
I completely understand your feeling. When you say you Īlived away from homeā all you married life, does that mean the children moved about a great deal as well? Or were you stationed in just one place and Īhomeā is where your own family lives? As much as I empathize with your pain and loneliness, I must vote with the children on this one...at least for now. You are very lucky, YOU have roots and a lovely, large family. They have only each other and now, just you. Losing a parent is a terrible blow to a child....really awful...and Iām sure itās very difficult for you to have lost your husband. The children may, at 12 and 16, not be terribly close, and their friends are very important to the ongoing thread of their lives.
(In part of my studies on singles I have found that people who did not have ongoing relationships during childhood and young adulthood seem to have trouble bonding with just one person in adulthood....this may preclude them from marrying, I donāt know.)
You donāt say how far from you three your own family lives...is it close enough for an occasional lengthy visit? With the internet and the ease of everyoneās having Īhome pagesā complete with daily entries, Īweb camsā and such, though itās not the same as a momās hug and a cup of tea, that might be a way of ongoing interaction until other arrangements can be made.
Is your home large enough for your individual family members to cycle through for a few days at a time? I do know that youād love to go there and live nearby, but absent your childrenās friends being really rotten kids, which I doubt they are, yanking them away from the security of continuity would not be in their best interests. This is one of the terribly hard things about being a parent. Itās not only unrealistic for us to think the children could, in their wildest imaginations, empathize completely with our stage in life, it is, because they lack a context for our situations, virtually impossible.
You might sit down with them one of the evenings that youāre playing Monopoly and eating popcorn and raisins and set the matter out for them to address. They might have some good ideas if you approach the situation as a Īproblem to be solvedā rather than as something that is seen as adversarial. That they seem, (and probably are), totally selfish on this issue may hurt you very much. You might try the approach that they Īdonāt have to answer right nowā...just talk the entire thing over and ask them to think about the situation for a month or two...........and talk about it with each other as well. You might be surprised...sometimes, when you actually demonstrate to young people that you value them AS people, not just as underlings who are expected to put up with what The Parent dishes out, your rewards are that they come up with some creative and pretty wonderful stuff.
One way or the other, some good will come of this.......keep in touch.
- Annabelle
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