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Q - Dear Annabelle,
I have 2 daughters 19 & 8. The oldest is testing her wings. She didn't like the midnight curfew and wanted to have responsibility. So my husband and I gave it to her. Now she is coming in at all hours and most weekends isn't coming home at all. I asked her out of respect to give me a phone call. We have an 800 number. She said she would use it and promised NEVER to not call again. This weekend she did the same thing No Call No show. She finally came home this A.M. At 4. I told her I was done. She had to pay off her car and get out. She doesn't believe me. Should I pack her stuff myself or wait for her to do it? Have I done the right thing? I do Love and Care about her but I can't take all the stress any more. It is starting to affect my marriage.
A - Cheryl,
There is no easy answer to this one. Your 19 year old is a legal adult. She is asserting the rights of someone who is also an economic and social adult. In the process, she is acting out teenage defiance and causing you and your husband pain that you donāt deserve. Itās too late to change her personality or character. This is war. You have two choices........turn her out and make her fend for herself, or take severe measures to limit her acting out. If you take the first option, you will relieve some of the tension on your marriage, but substitute the tension of worrying about her becoming pregnant or diseased or otherwise coming to harm. If you take the second option, you and your husband will become prison wardens for the duration. Your letter doesnāt say whether your daughter is in school, working, whatever. Those facts, of course, affect the situation. Iām sorry to confirm what you already know, that the options are limited. To contain any possible damage to your marriage, itās important that you and your husband reach decisions jointly on this and present a united front to your 19 year old. Whatever you do, do it firmly, remembering that your older daughter is being watched with interest by your younger daughter. There are times when it is possible to be kind, but not good; this is a time when it is necessary to be good but not kind.
I do recommend that you find the local chapter of ĪTough Loveā and join forces with other parentsā who have solutions that may work for you. Good luck to you on this one, ...from all of us!
- Annabelle
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