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Q - Dear Annabelle,
I'm writing you with the hope that I get some light on this problem. I'll try to be very short. I live with my family in Canada for about 13 years. We came from Peru. Laura, (my wife), and I have, together ,3 children, )two teenagers, and a son of 5 who was born here.) Our oldest daughter, 17, is a very difficult teenager, she always was difficult. The second one,15, has started with those fits and is challenging to us. She is not as bad as the first one. Alonso, our little one, we have noted, is as difficult as her oldest sister. Now, this society give so much power to the kids that, basically, they can do whatever they want and even take advantage of that situation. As parents we feel very, very frustrated. We both are suffering too much, especially my wife. She cries and is so depressed for that. She asked me a few months ago to come back to Peru and live over there. I told her that I understand her but it won't be easy at our age, (40's), to get a job and live decently in a country where many people is struggling for jobs, money
and want to leave the country. In addition, going back to Peru will mean to me that my problems with my asthma will restart due to the contamination.
In Ottawa I am almost cured. She also said that she misses so much her family, friends and culture, (so do I). Now, she has proposed me that if I don't want to come back with her, at least she'd like to return with Alonso, in order for him to grow up in a better environment where kids are not that spoiled. And also he will enjoy the rest of the family who lives in there. Of course, my daughters grew up in here and they want to stay here. I feel like all this is a dream. I love my wife and my children, it'll be too hard for me to let them go. To me, this means practically a separation because it will take a few years for Alonso to become a teenager and get the education she wants for him. I do not know if I'm going to resist this separation, by now, (when I/m alone), I cry because I already miss them. Laura simply does not want to experience all this terrible experience that we are having with my older daughter. Please, get back to me ASAP. I do not want to break this family in spite of what we are going through. But she seems determined. And finally, I don't know if its better if she take Alonso with him because if she leaves him here I'll become a single parent and I imagine how much work it will mean to me and if I will be able to give Alonso the proper attention. Thanks for listening and I looking forward to hear from you.
A - Jose,
You refer to feeling as though youāre Īliving in a dream ..it sounds more like a nightmare to me! Look, I know pretty much how you feel....teenagers, especially teenage girls can lend real credence and understanding to how it is that some creatures kill their young. Now, the laws that have been passed deal with just that situation and, so, things have gotten out of hand and, yes, things have gotten overly cautious as well. Do kids manipulate this to their advantage? You bet they do! Are your two younger children watching and seeing what their older sister is getting away with? You BET they are! Are you and your wife in charge of the family? Yes. Do you work together as a team to solve this? Yes. Is there help for you? Yes. Does one of you give up and run away? No!
Now, this is a matter for a really good family therapist. Ideally you have a group in Canada that is on the ĪTough Loveā continuum. I most HIGHLY recommend their methodology. Now, ALL that you, as parents are required to provide is food, shelter, minimal clothing and education. EVERY thing else must be earned. Get in touch.....today.....with whatever parent help group you can find and get going on this. For a family to be torn apart by the childrenās misbehavior is destructive. Not only to the family, but also, inevitably, to the children.
I can really empathize with you on this one, but, for the two of you to cave, or to break apart because the youngunās are acting up is wrong. Itās wrong for the children, wrong for the parents....and wrong for society. Call social services in your area and get right on this. One thing that I found that works is to fall on your car keys and credit cards.....i.e., you have to TRAIN those incipient adults to behave properly. No good behavior, no goodies.....P-E-R-I-O-D!
This is hard on you, I know. I know that you didnāt bargain for this situation, however, you have to remain strong........though, God knows, it can be Īterrible hardā some times. Hang in there...if you can, successfully, pull this off while staying together, you will both have reason to rejoice. Just know, that for THIS, youāre going to need real and meaningful help. Now, pick up the phone and enlist the troops youāre going to need to retake authority in your own home. You MUST prevail on this.....and, good luck.
Now, your wife is under great stress, as are you. I recommend a medical checkup and whatever meds may be necessary. There are relatively quick-acting anti-stress medications that your physician, if he or she feels is relevant, can prescribe. If they still work, hugs and kisses are a very great help here.
- Annabelle
Q - Dear Annabelle,
I received today your response, and you don't realize how much I appreciate it. Your words give me some courage and hope to face this problem and certainly I'll show this to Laura tonight.
For sure I will enlist the troops as you say. If I only knew about this service before.... tell me, your service is for free? or there is any cost. Is with you if I get back to you with more questions or comments about my problem?
A - Jose,
Yes, this Īserviceā is free. It is YOU that has to pay the price to get what you want. I just get to sit here and comment. Now, the good news is that your KIDS are actually going to be the beneficiaries of your taking the control back into you and your wifeās hands where it properly belongs. You AND she can do this...it will strengthen not only your marriage but the entire family. You CAN do this...together...and you will.
- Annabelle
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