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Q - Dear Annabelle,
I'm a 24 year old single mother of a wonderful 16 month old little boy. He's the
greatest, most loving baby, to everyone except his biological father. His "father" has spent maybe 5-6 hours with him for his entire life, never even meeting him until his son was 14 months old. He now pays child support, but only because legally he has no choice. When I was 9 months pregnant with our son, the loser got another woman pregnant, and then decided he couldn't have anything to do with my baby because of his other one on the way. Unfortunately, when I had gotten pregnant, he and I hadn't known each other very long at all, in all honesty, it was really a "summer fling" kind of thing.
I know that it is my fault and his fault too, for being so irresponsible about not using precautions against pregnancy. But, it happened, and I don't want my son to have to pay for my very poor judgment. I'm fine with raising our son by myself, I was only initially disappointed when his father wanted nothing to do with him because, at the time I got pregnant, he'd made it clear that he wanted to be involved, and then, suddenly, because he wants to have a million babies, he changes his mind. People have told me not to worry, that someday, a good man will fill in for a father, and who knows? Maybe he will. BUT, I like to be realistic, and I am honest enough to understand that not every person in life gets a special someone, so I'm not willing to wait for a knight in shining armor, who may never show up, to rescue us and make everything better.
I know that I can just blow off the fact that my son's father doesn't want him, but what do I do when the day comes and he asks about his Daddy? How do I explain to him that his father is just an idiot and that it has nothing to do with him? He is my everything, I love him more than I ever dreamt possible, it kills me to think that his selfish, unloving father might deeply hurt him because of his not being there. I know right now, my baby's too young to even realize that he is missing a Dad, but can you please tell me how I can answer his questions when he does start asking, without making him feel at blame? Thank you so much!!!
A - Brandy,
One thing you do NOT do is tell him that his fatherās Īan idiotā. Thatās all heāll hear....and he will think thereās something wrong with HIM. Now, thereās just not a good way to make this Īall betterā thereās only a less bad way. You do NOT bad mouth the bio dad in any way at all.......your son will internalize that as there being something wrong with him personally. You might tell him that if his dad had known what a wonderful person he was, heād surely have stayed. You can tell him that, sometimes grownups make bad decisions, and that his dad, if he knew how wonderful he is would have been so proud to have him as his son. Telling him that heās terrific and is a reflection of all the GOOD things in his dad would be a help. If you can keep him focused of his own goodness, his being smart and having talent, he may strongly develop those things within his character and, when heās older and his character is well formed, he may meet his dad. At that point, itās pretty much out of your hands, but the good that you will have fostered in him will help him through the difficulties AND helped him be a good person.
- Annabelle
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