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Q - Dear Annabelle,
Three years ago, my now 13 year old and her friend got her dad and me together. After dating a while, the two girls became jealous of each other and it was quite stressful. He said he was not going to tear my family apart and we broke it off. He immediately began seeing someone else and I found out I was pregnant. He chose not to have anything to do with this child but does pay child support, a lot! Within the last 6 months his daughter wanted to see my child, (her 1/2 sister), and I let her. She comes to spend the weekend with us about once per month. She and my daughter are friends again but she has become very wild, almost uncontrollable, and my daughter is very quiet and a good child. She enjoys spending time with not only my daughter but with us as a family and does not give me any trouble.
Now, three years later, I get a call out of the blue from this man, whom I still love. He is having trouble with his daughter and wanted me to intervene as I am the only one she will listen to. He also said he wanted to see our daughter together and asked if I would take him back. If I would, he said we would make sure we didn't give up so easy and make it work this time because we were both immature and did not communicate with each other before. We talked a couple of times on the phone but it was just surface chat. He saw our daughter briefly and held her when I was returning his daughter from a visit. Things are smoothed over between he and his daughter now. When he said those things on the phone to me, I was so stunned that he was even calling me that I gave him no response to what he was saying, I just sat there and listened.
I called him a couple of weeks later and said that I had been thinking about what he said on the phone and wondered if we could get together to talk? He said that would "probably be okay" and he would call me the next week to set up a time. He never called and it has been over a month. Why would he do that? Did he change his mind, was he just using me to get his relationship with his daughter back on track, or is he wanting me to pursue him? I am so confused, because he was very nervous when he was saying all of those things so I know it wasn't easy for him. I feel that I did my part and the ball is in his court. I don't want to beg due to fear of rejection or appearing needy. Plus, I have some red flags, I don't want his daughter to be a bad influence on mine, I worry that he thinks it's a quick fix to his problems, (he wouldn't have to pay child support any longer and he has someone to help mother his uncontrollable teen). Please give me some honest advice on this matter. Thanks.
A - Sue,
Sometimes we feel love for someone who isnāt good for us. Thatās just one of the truths of life....and Iām sorry that you have to go through this. It doesnāt sound as if this fellow has much integrity and it would certainly appear that he lacks a backbone. From what youāve said, he sounds downright self serving. You have to do what is in the best interest of your children and, unless this man is willing to take the steps.....of his own accord, to marry you and to make a home for the entire family, Iād stay clear of him. Itās my guess that you already know the answer to this one. It sounds as if youāve sized him up pretty well. People are judged by their actions, by their behaviors in the world in which we live. His word doesnāt appear to be worth anything and, as I said, your first allegiance is to you older daughter and to the baby.
He may, given time and some professional help, find that he has the intestinal fortitude, otherwise known as guts, to do the right thing by everyone. It sounds as if his daughter is suffering because of his poor parenting skills. While thatās unfortunate for her, she is not your responsibility. It sounds, too, as if youāve a good heart. Iād guess that you know what the best thing to do is.........and Iāll also bet that you have the strength to do what you must.
- Annabelle
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