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Q - Dear Annabelle,
My husband uses pornography (stories and pictures) a lot. Although I do not like or partake in pornography, I never personalized it because it was a habit of his before I met him. He always read very graphic sex stories and now they seem to have taken a very troubling turn. The content, (for the past year), is mostly about incest. It occurs between father and daughter, mother and son, niece and uncle,etc. with seemingly
no age limitations of the characters involved from 6 years old to 100. When I found these stories I was truly horrified. I confronted him and he said that they are just words that don't hurt anyone. I disagree. I think that there are some things that are taboo and this is most certainly one of them.
As a parent of two small sons it just sickens me
that he would enjoy reading such vile content. I am repulsed by this. Just the thought of him reading and masturbating to such stories turns me off completely. I think he has been using pornography for so many years that he is desensitized and it has skewed his boundaries. I also think he was a victim of some type of sexual abuse (just my theory) as a very young child.
What can I do? Am I wrong to think this is vile and disgusting? Thanking you in advance for your advice.
A - 5627,
You donāt say where you live but Iād sure like him to see someone about this...youāre right, it is troubling. While pornography isnāt my taste, I know that guys are very visual and can use it just to relieve stress. However, the old Bible verse, ćas a man thinketh in his heart, so is heä, has a lot of validity. We are a collection of our thoughts which, in some cases, become our actions and, eventually, if we let them, our character. What a person does with his idle time tends to reflect his inner resources and what you tell me here is, as youāve said, very troubling.
It could be that your theory about his childhood is correct and his behavior is a reflective working through....or continuation of, a revulsive and guilty pleasure. You have the right to have your home be as safe for your youngsters as possible. People who are involved in any off-putting behaviors, which they know to be anathema to another, will often find ways of justifying their behavior and sharing it with others as a way of reinforcing their need to believe, against the inner knowledge, that they are an outcast because of the behavior, that Īthis behavior is good and, therefore, by YOU learning it, MY doing it is okā. (You can see where the danger lies here.) It is in the proselytisation that may take place that is seriously jeopardizing your sonsā development. Ideally your husbandās pornography would be kept away from the children, yet this is not likely to happen as children seem to have a knack for finding forbidden things.
It could be that youāre going to have to put your foot down and get that stuff out of the house. Good, healthy sexual development is so very important. I think you are correct that something happened to your husband that has left him with a definite deficit in the behavior area. This is going to, if it hasnāt already, interfere with your enjoyment of your marital sexuality as well. This is a slippery slope and needs attention.........and the sooner, the better.
- Annabelle
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