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Q - Dear Annabelle,
Me and my girlfriend are doing great, but itās her daughter we are having problems with and itās coming between us, what should i do or what can we do to prevent this? We are trying our best but it doesnāt seem enough. The daughter is going to be 7 next month. (Yes this is a lesbian relationship, does that affect me asking you advise or anything?)
Anyway, if it doesnāt, what Iām trying to ask you, since youāre the professional, is that me and my girlfriend are doin really good now and we are having problems with her daughter. For example, like how do I deal with her the childās father, which is a total jerk, who doesnāt take care of her at all. He only takes her on Sundays and, when she is there, he does not pay any attention to her, then she comes home to us and treats us like dirt.
He is from another country and he doesnāt call her, buy anything for her, really doesn't want to have anything to do with her, but when itās his Īdayā to see her, (on Sundays), itās bad. He questions her about everything, puts me and her mom down right and left and so forth. You are probably wondering why I'm telling you all this, its because your ad said you talk to people and try to help so I figure I try you. I can keep going about all this, but let me know what you think about this first.
A - Charlene,
Youāre dealing with several difficulties here, (not the least of which is that youāre in a lesbian relationship.) Thatās not a judgmental statement, itās that you must consider that you have a young child and a really bummed out ex husband....(from a country where thoughts on this lifestyle may not be nearly as liberal as those in America)...... whoās taking out his anger at the ex-wife-turned-lesbian and focusing the anger on the young girl. (You two must NOT disparage her father...that will further exacerbate your troubles...the girl didnāt bring this on herself and she NEEDS a belief in a Īgoodā father to grow up healthy). That this will distort her young life is the tragedy here. You see, children are added to our lives without their consent and it behooves us, as adults, to treat them with all the attendant courtesies that are due any guest whom we have invited into our lives. That your partner either recognized that she was lesbian or simply decided it was an easier choice, I donāt know, but for her, after having a child, to have acted out on her newfound knowledge, and not in her daughterās best interests, is not at all fair to the child.
We, as women, grow the children in our bodies and, to make them secondary to our other desires, is terribly wrong. The womanās movement has done great mischief in not clarifying more strongly that, along with Īchoicesā, come great responsibilities. The childās mother AND father owe her a decent upbringing that includes love and all the attendant caring due any child. Since you are now the new partner, it is now your responsibility to see that the child feels loved and cared for and can survive the teasing she will encounter when other children, and their parents, figure out what her momās living arrangements are.
You and her mother are the grownups.......and as such, have the very important responsibility of seeing to the healthy growth of the offspring. In life we cannot attend only to what we WANT....we must also recognize our personal responsibility to our families and to society as a whole.......and our main responsibilities are to act in ways to encourage each and every member to grow and to become their very best selves. That cannot be done easily.......if at all.....when we are interested only in what WE want. Thatās how things break down and how our country has found itself in the mess we have today.
I understand that YOU want what YOU want, and feel that the young girl comes between you and your partner. You will get MUCH further with this situation if you also make the child the focus of your attention. Thatās just what children do, they change, not so much just our lives, as they change....and necessarily so...the FOCUS of our lives. You may have been neglected as a child yourself, I don't know, but donāt take out your perceived lackings on the girl, when turning your loving focus on her development will repay you a hundredfold. A loving child is an enhancement to any family, and they give back what they have learned.......so give her the love and respect that YOU would like to have had as a youngster and the entire family will like be the happier for it. (When was the last time you brushed her hair, brought her a nightie warm from the dryer and read her a story after tucking her in for the night?.......and what delightful celebration are the two of you preparing for her seventh birthday?)
- Annabelle
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