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Q - Dear Annabelle,
Do you happen to have a list of questions to ask a divorced man with 2 kids (child custody is 50/50) I am talking to this man over the phone but I am not sure if he is seeking a mate for his kidās sake or himself. Do you have a list of questions that I can ask him to see if he is genuinely looking for a soul mate and not somebody to take care of his kids.
A - Jeya,
I do have a list of questions.....for you,....to think about from the childrenās point of view. Ask yourself, (as if you were his children), how would YOU feel about a new lady coming in to their lives whoās not their mommy? (They did not divorce mom.......he did.)
1. Who IS this new person and will she like me?
2. Will she be nice to me and will she be nice to be around?
3. Will she try to take my daddy away from me or will she respect the pain
and confusion weāre going through and make our lives a little easier, or
will she try to take my daddy away too?
You see, Jeya, youāre a new player on the stage of their lives.....and, for you to think only of yourself and what YOU want, indicates that youāre probably not the piece for this particular puzzle. This man, if he IS Īseeking a mateā, had better be very clear that HE has a family unit.......and donāt YOU delude yourself into believing that you will be focused on to the exclusion of his children. That would be very destructive to their lives. If you donāt see yourself in the helpmate role.............and that includes understanding the childrenās difficulties, then go get yourself a man without these attendant responsibilities. You see, as grownups, we sometimes have to understand that the Īworld is not all about usā........itās a community effort. Now, if you arenāt into Īcommunity effortā, then you are seeking to complete yourself at their expense.........this is not fair to anyone in the equation.....not the children, not to him, and certainly, not to you.
Unless, and until, you can get outside yourself and see the greater picture and your part in it, you would do well to find someone who will not encroach on your needs......because it sounds, right now, as if your needs are all about you.
Find a way to fill yourself....and, at the point that you have become a more complete person, you will have enough to share with others. Until that happens......donāt burden yourself, or anyone else, with your concerns. You are not wrong, youāre just not ready.
- Annabelle
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