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Q - Dear Annabelle,
I have written to you before and received good advice,so maybe you can help me again. My daughter married a divorced man whose child at that time was 5 years old. They had lived together before for 21/2 years before marriage. The boyās mother left him when he was 6 months old and his father raised him and did a good job. 3 years after they were married, my daughter had a son. 2 other of my daughters also had sons. So, after raising 4 daughters we finally had 4 grandsons. I must tell you that my daughter legally adopted our oldest grandson after they been married for 2 years. The boy was 8 years old when the 3 little ones were born. Now to the problems. My daughter and son-in-law are having. The boy will be 12 years old. They cannot get him to do his schoolwork or his chores without arguments. He talks back and is very lazy. They have talked to his teachers, because he hides his homework, lies about everything. None of us knows what to do anymore. He wanted to be on the basketball team his dad took him for tryouts and he made it. Well, then he started the same thing again about not doing his homework, or he gets it done, but wonāt turn it in. I know my daughter pays more attention to the little one but he also needs more. Hope you can give me some help .
A - Dear Concerned Grandma,
Remember the Īterrible 2āsā? Well, adolescence is the Īterrible 2āsā in earnest. Both stages are Īseparation and individuationā focused. The first round was about the youngster just having learned that he was a separate person, (that he and mommy werenāt one unit after all.) He needed guidance then, he needs it now. Only NOW is a lot more painful and a lot more difficult to deal with. (Iām constantly amazed at the number of people who rush into parenthood...if they had ANY IDEA the amount of work and patience it takes......!!) Anyway, one way to go is to look up your local chapter of Ītough-loveā. Theyāll clean his clock for him. This is going to be a tough time for you ........and for his mom and dad. However, you MUST stand together as a unit on this .....just as any young creature must be trained, so must your grandson learn what is expected of him and what he MUST do in order to receive privileges. Non-privileges are; essential food, minimal clothing, and a bed to sleep on plus an education. ALL other things, i.e., pizza, ice cream, TV, extra clothing, movies, spending $$, etc, are EARNED PRIVILEGES. The three of you must act as a unit here.
His future and YOUR peace of mind depend on it. YOU guys are the parents...HE must not win this one. (Actually he WANTS you to win....but you have to EARN his respect...heās not going to GIVE it to you.) Lord, being a parent can be hard. He MUST do his homework, and his chores AND be responsible to his team. His leash is REAL SHORT until he hits his marks. You CAN do this....and, with the cooperation of his parents, this will come out all right. Itās just not going to be real fun right now. Good luck, and God Bless you for your persistence and strength.
- Annabelle
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