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Q - Dear Annabelle,
I have some friends that are spitting up, and they have 3 kids that I watch all the time. The mother is the one that left, and it seems like she doesn't want anything to do with them because it is always me or the father that is taking care of them. Whenever she is supposed to spend time with them, she comes up suddenly with a hair appointment or nail appointment or has to go to a tanning session. When the mother does spend time with her kids, it is dragging them along with her to friends', appointments, and taking naps. The youngest child has downs syndrome, and the mother always leaves her out and she stays with me.
Now that the mother is moved out, I go over to their house at 6am every morning when the father has to leave for work, and I help them get ready for school. After they are off to school, I go home for a while, then I go to work at my job at a daycare. Then I have class at night for two hours. It seems like I have no time for myself between their kids and my job and school. Now, the children are starting to ask questions about where their mom is and why she doesn't want to spend time with them. First of all, I don't know what to say to them when they ask these questions. Second, I am always tired because of the hours I keep. And if I actually go out and do something at night, I lose even more sleep.
I'd like to know what I can do to get myself out of this situation, without hurting the kids and their father. The father is going through a lot, trying to keep everything together at home and still work all the hours he works. Now the mother wants to try and get him for child support and alimony even though the kids will keep living with him. It is just a bad situation. I'm caught in the middle because I adore the kids, am friends both the mother and father, and I don't know what to do. I'm running myself ragged. HELP!!!!!!
I really appreciate your time in reading about my problems. I believe that this situation needs a professional point of view.
A - Dear Concerned Carie,
Iād sure be tempted to ask someone in your Stateās Child services department for suggestions on this one. If a case were opened and it showed that the mother is negligent that would, at least, show that the father is doing the best he can, and the situation would be documented. How is it that the dad isnāt taking a more proactive role in this? Have you sat and talked with him? If you have another job and arenāt getting enough sleep, thatās not doing YOU any good, even though what you are doing is wonderful...and may go a long way toward keeping these kids from coming entirely unstuck.
Thereās no way the kids are not going to notice momās behavior...and they WILL believe that itās all their fault. .....and it will break their hearts and, perhaps, even their spirits. (Have you ever wondered where dead-eyed children come from?...just this sort of thing. Theyāll soon be on the way to troubled adulthood with little likelihood of having happy adult lives. Mothering just is about the most important job any woman can undertake and, for this Īmotherā.....(and I use the term loosely)..... to be behaving so incredibly selfishly, it would be well if someone could put HER into some serious time out.
Perhaps social services can get her into some good parenting classes. Sometimes parents just get stressed and have no one to help them get back on track...but, for this one to be acting so selfishly is a terrible thing for the children. She, AND dad, know that youāre willing to take up the slack so, while youāre doing a wonderful thing, the strain will tell on you as well. Where are the grandparents in all of this? Well, document EVERYTHING .....you never know what will come in handy. Good luck to you, and bless you for your compassion. Do take action, things may yet turn out, (semi), well all around.
- Annabelle
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