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Q - Dear Annabelle,
I just found out that I am 9 weeks pregnant. My boyfriend and I have been together for 1 1/2 years and we are living together. We have had a rocky year as far as our relationship goes.(This pregnancy was not exactly planned). We found out I was pregnant about 5 weeks ago.
Ever since then we have done nothing but fight with each other and threaten to leave one another. He hates me and resents me because I have decided to keep this baby. At this time he does not want anything to do with this pregnancy. He won't ask about my doctor appointments or even look at the sonogram pictures. He says he is really trying to change his feelings but it just isn't working right now.
He just can't believe I won't terminate this pregnancy. We do love each other very much. Our biggest fight is over sex. His sex drive is higher than mine and he can't accept that. He feels that I am not "there for him" when he wants to have sex and I don't. He says that sex is the #1 thing that breaks up relationships. I don't recall him writing a book on love!!
I don't know what the best thing to do is. I know if he would stop thinking and talking about all the negative things in our relationship and we started to concentrate on making good things happen and trying to get over this "sex" thing, we could make this relationship better than ever.
I always thought there was more to a relationship than making someone feel loved by just having sex with them. Maybe things have changed and I missed something along the way!
A - Dear Kim,
Advice? Yes, donât have sex with someone who thinks itâs a recreational pastime and/or someone for whom it is a palliative IF you AND he arenât willing to accept the consequences of an unplanned pregnancy.
The #1 cause of babies is sexual intercourse........(hey, itâs part of the design.) That YOU and your boyfriend have ignored that, doesnât change the situation in which you now find yourself. At 29 youâre certainly of an appropriate age to start a family, however, if the childâs bio-dad is so against accepting this most natural of consequences, indicates that you ALREADY had a child and just werenât aware of it.
Going through life with no thought to the consequences of your actions can create more than accidents, it can result in the situation in which you now find yourself. Ideally he will Îgrow upâ really quickly and be a good father. I wouldnât bet on it, however.
You need to ask yourself......what is it in YOU that is willing to place your physical and emotional future at the disposal of such a person?
- Annabelle
Q - Dear Annabelle,
Thank you for your response. (I have decided to keep this baby.) Actually, I don't think I had ever decided to terminate this pregnancy. (You're right about my boyfriend being a child.) I told him in June that I was going to stop taking my pills because I was missing them 3 or 4 times a week and I was not getting them refilled on time.
But, since I did not ASK him if I could stop taking my pills and I did not suggest he wear a condom makes him think I did this on purpose. He still says he is trying to accept this but it is not working. I don't see where he is trying. I am going to take care of myself and this baby. Maybe he will come around in time. I am already 3 months pregnant.
We still don't agree on the "sex". I honestly don't understand who is wrong. Is it me for not "doing" something about my sex drive? Or is it him for saying that my sex drive is unacceptable to him. I asked him where was I suppose to find time to be in the mood between our fighting and me crying. I am sorry but none of that puts me in the mood for anything.
A - Dear Kim,
Kim, from what you tell me, you DID want to become pregnant...there are actually few Îaccidentsâ in the world............and youâre going to have to get off the point of Îwho is wrongâ. What you need to do now is act in the best interests of your baby, which WOULD be to have two loving parents who welcome it joyously into this world and work to see that it has two role models of maturity and love.
I know that being pregnant skews all your hormonal stuff and things can seem terribly difficult, but this is where your Îmother bearâ instincts need to kick in. Find yourself a good couples counselor and work out a plan for the baby to have two loving parents. The focus of your life (lives) has just changed. Ideally it would be for the better. The consequences of your not taking your pills are that you must now gather your character and your courage and raise a loving....and much loved, human being.
I truly hope your fellow is up for the journey.
- Annabelle
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