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Q - Dear Annabelle,
I've been dating this man for almost 3 years. I love him very much. I
believe I'm ready to make a marriage commitment, he is not. I try not
to pressure him -- I don't want it to happen that way, but I'm 34 years
old and am beginning to wonder if I should move on (he is 36). He says
he wants to marry me and talks about it...but he's been doing that for
the last year.
We've been through a lot and always seem to weather the storms and
emerge stronger. That makes me want to stay, but when I start
pressuring him, he totally withdraws, and then I get hurt.
The rest of my life is fine. I have a wonderful career as a software
engineer, my family and friends are great, I have my own hobbies...
I know I need to give him space -- or do I? I'm tired of being sad
about this. Is it time to find someone who appreciates me enough to
marry me?
A - Dear Dawn,
Short answer: yes.
Long answer: This is a hard one, yet easy as well. What you want --
now -- you evidently cannot have. So, either give it up or move on.
Now, assume that you are in want of a blue dress, yet you go only to a
store selling red hats. You keep returning to that same store and all
they ever have is................red hats. Is it either wise or useful
to keep returning to that same store?
(There is another question here: just what purpose is served to YOU by
continuing this pattern? If you DO continue, then, hidden from
'yourself', is the reason...........unconscious forces often keep people
locked is apparently purposeless behaviors).
You say that he does want to marry you, just not right now. Whenever
you ask 'when' he clams up. You're concerned about the time element,
and reasonably so. If it's married you wish to be, and with children
and all the rest of that picture, then you really are going to have to
change your path.
One way to do that is to say, "This _______________is WHAT I need and
want. This ____________is WHEN I want it. This_____________is what I
am WILLING TO GIVE UP to get it." And then LISTEN to the answer.
Remember actions, not words, tell the story of what is REAL. Make your
decision. Act on it. Stick to it. It's just that
simple.................and just that hard. Sometimes life
hurts............but then, you know that by now and sometimes we cannot
have both A and B. Darn.
- Annabelle
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