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Q - Dear Annabelle,
I have been in a relationship with a guy who is 2 years younger than me for 18 months. About 9 months ago he moved away and after this we really missed each other and I decided to move to where he was. For the first time we started living together and I have just bought a house here which is helping me to pay off and
doing improvements around the place also.
About 2 months ago one of his friends moved in with us and since then he just doesn't spend the time with me that he used to. He will often stay up late watching TV with this guy, spend lots of time talking to him in the shed but doesn't seem to consider how left out and hurt I am feeling. I have tried to talk to him but he gets very defensive and says I am being unreasonable and trying to run his life.
This is the last thing I want. I just want my old boyfriend back - the person I fell in love with and who was once so caring towards me. I am crying all the time and just turns his back on! me. Your advice would be warming at this time.
A - Dear Jayne,
I donāt know how Īwarmingā my advice will be for you, but here goes.
You are 27, he is 25, and youāve Ībeen in a relationshipā for a year and a half. That means that, when the relationship started, you were 25+, and he, 23+. Now, the early 20ās for most anyone, and especially for guys, is a time of experimentation and, (we would hope), growth. Women tend to be more mature and more ready to settle down and to nest-build.....which, in fact, you have done. The only problem is, the guy you picked to do it with is still too young for you. Heās either a late developer or is just taking advantage of you.
Now, by Ītaking advantageā, hereās what I mean. After the relationship had progressed for nine months, he moved away. It may sound like a silly parallel, but give this some thought...........how long does it take to have a baby? Yup, nine months. Then, the Ībabyā moves away. Except, this Ībabyā Īmissed youā, and this time you moved to where HE was, bought a house and he MOVED BACK IN WITH YOU. Then, true to his developmental stage, he brought a friend to Īplay withā.........(not you)..........and youāre feeling left out. You want your Īboyfriendā back.
Now, letās take a look at how things (more often) work. The FIRST thing you do, -- if you want a *good and lasting* lifetime relationship -- is to do things in the proper order. IF you have completed your education, (and this means equipping yourself with the skills to provide for yourself in case you donāt find a suitable partner), then you work on BEING the kind of person you would like to attract......i.e., outgoing, friendly, mature, dependable, responsible, innovative, etc. (All the so-called Īboringā stuff that goes into making a good person). Now, having done that, the person you are looking for will be drawn to you..............the immature ones wonāt be able to deal with a good, solid person, a you will no longer find the immature ones interesting.
Then, when you have become a good, strong solid person and find the guy who has a PLAN and a PASSION for life, you know youāve got someone with whom you can build a life. THEN you get to know each other for a couple of years.....(so you can get past the stage of being able to Īpretendā who you are and the Īrealā stuff comes out). If youāve each managed to survive in the relationship this long, marriage may be a good idea.
Jayne, Īrealā men are hard to come by. Itās so darned easy to remain a Īlittle boyā that many of them often do. And, you know what? There are just lots of women who are quite content to let them do so. If some women are willing to settle for little boys, is it any wonder that little boys look for mommies?
You might want to ask yourself; just what is it IN YOU that attracts immature males to you? This is something to explore with a competent psychotherapist. While itās true that growth hurts, the rewards of breaking free of your past can be glorious.
- Annabelle
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