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Q - Dear Annabelle,
I have always had relationship issues. The most common theme is the men I choose tend to be emotionally unavailable for many different reasons. The last guy was the last straw. He had a girlfriend in another city. Knowing this, I tried to give it a go because I talked myself into the fact that their relationship was waning. He told me he loved me and how perfect I was for him.
I bought it hook, line, and sinker. After about three months, the night before he was going to go see his girlfriend in another town, I decided I must be out of my mind to try to have a relationship with someone who promised me nothing, but took everything I had to give. So, it ended up just being the same guy I have always dated, but just in different clothes. This time, I broke off the relationship.
I have finally had enough of this kind of pain. I am doing everything I can to turn my patterns and behaviors around by going to a relationship support group, reading books, going to workshops, and just praying to God that whatever it is in me that attracts these guys will be healed. The thing I am having the most trouble with is letting go of all these failed relationships and mistakes I have made. I am 37 years old and I just want to have a chance at real love, but I am afraid that my past is going to weigh me down like an anchor. What can I do?
A - Dear Laura,
What you can do is ask yourself why you choose emotionally unavailable men? You see, Laura, if something Īhappensā once. Well, thatās not necessarily remarkable. If the same kind of thing happens TWICE, then, there may be an indicative pattern there. The THIRD time it Īhappensā, well you not only have a definite pattern, you have an entrenched problem.
Now, the kinds of people we invite into our lives, the kinds of lives we lead, are things WE DESIGN and ALLOW into our lives. We did not 'think' our way into these designs, we cannot 'think' our way out of them. (This is why Īsupportā groups and books do no good.) This is where a good, competent psychotherapist comes in. Invest the time and money in your SELF to discover just where in your infancy (the place where your lifeās pattern memories are buried), these destructive expectations developed.
You donāt have to do this, of course, you can stay stuck right where you are, going Īround and Īround with with the support groups and books -- theyāre nice, just not effective. Self-discovery and change are two things, -- painful and scary. Oh, yes, there's one other thing that happens too. You get to be the person you were meant to be. And THATāS worth all the trouble. You get to be YOU..........get get to LIVE your life. You get to experience joy, as well as pain.
Isnāt it about time you attended to to business of becoming who you were meant to be?
You can do it. Go for it...................
- Annabelle
Q - Dear Annabelle,
Thank you for responding to my message. I imagine you get plenty of mail, so I think your personal response is very generous. I agree with you that this problem is very entrenched. Let me ask you a question about therapy. (First, let me say that the support group has been helpful). I guess I considered it a part of a long healing process and the pattern is broken. I haven't healed from it, but it is broken. I won't ever participate in another relationship like this. My friends will hang me if I do.
I have been up front with all my friends and some of my family know that I am working on this part of my life. I do agree that it isn't enough by itself. What I donāt know is how far do I need to dive into my childhood to help me heal what was making me do this in the first place?
Both of my parents were emotionally unavailable. They had seven
children and I am the youngest. I keep reliving trying to get love from a stone because we never got any intimacy or individual attention from our parents. I could go a little
deeper here, but I just thought I would give you a very general overview.
I feel I know the basics behind my behavior. What I am struggling with is if I need to relive every traumatic event in my childhood as part of the healing process. Would this even be the focus of psychotherapy? I guess that is my question.
I am not sure if it is clear what I am asking. I am willing to do whatever it takes because I want my life to be happy, but how much more do I need to know in order to heal and get my self esteem back and in place? I appreciate you taking time to respond. Must be a little odd to get such intimate notes from people over the internet.
Let me know what you think.
A - Dear Laura,
You are trapped in what is called a Īrepetition compulsionā, and you canNOT stop it by yourself. Remember, you did not think your way into this dilemma, and you cannot either think or reason your way out of it. Will you explore your childhood? My guess is that is where you spent many of your formative years. What do YOU think?
In your work with a therapist, you will simply Īdropā this pattern from your behavior awareness. That will probably take a very long time......or not.....but I should think that alone would be worth the trip.
Your therapist will, as I think of it, Ī go on a journey of discoveryā with you. Really GOOD psychologists are so widely trained in theory and practice that the process is one completely tailored to the patientās needs. Though neither of you knows where the path or Ījourneyā will lead, the therapist knows what to look for, what is useful when found, and how to get safely Ībackā.
It is a painful as well as joyous process, (all growth is), sometimes terrifying, sometimes glorious, and absolutely worth it. It is your unconscious that will make the changes, for that is where the difficulty lies.......and THAT is why no conscious conversation or thought or effort can solve your problem.
Good luck on your journey of self-discovery!
- Annabelle
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