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Q - Dear Annabelle,
I wrote you a few days ago and asked your advice. To tell you the truth, that is exactly what I expected you to say. ( Get over him.) I have been trying very hard, but everyone still sees us as a couple and always asks how we are doing? I tell them that we are not a couple, but because this guy and I are such good friends, we are always together. This makes it look like we are still together. Everywhere I go, he is there also.
We live in a small town and there are only about eight of us that hang around each other almost every night. We also work together about 40 hours a week. We still talk as if we were the greatest friends in the world. Now the only problem that I am faced with is how to get over him? I have no friends that I can talk to about this because nobody really understands and everyone in my town would just run and tell him what I think.
I am extremely upset right now because he is meeting another girl in 3 days. I am having one of my co-workers looking for another guy to take his place. It is going to be hard because I still love this one guy. Should I just start staying home and not hanging around my friends the rest of the summer so that I won't have to see him and want him?
Please help me find some answers!!!
A - Dear Stephanie,
You are caught in a classic dilemma. With the constant reinforcement of not only seeing him, but interacting with him, the time span for you to grow out of this is going to be lengthened considerably..............like maybe into forever. The general time frame is about two years, but, with the information youāve given me, the process is going to take what will seem like an eternity.
Hereās the process in which you are caught: Children Īwant what they want when they want itā. Thatās just a fact of life.
When you have become (considerably) more Īmatureā......(which, by the way is almost never a constant), it is easier to look at a situation from a bit of a distance and simply Īnot go thereā. Just as you can now easily ride a bicycle, (or whatever else you do well without having to concentrate on the process), as a much more mature adult you will be able to feel temptation without giving in to it.
THAT, however is a process that is years away. Sometimes it works to put yourself in a different Īmend setā and look at the problem from a different angle, but with the parameters of the problem as youāve outlined them, combined with your age and inexperience, well, this has got to hurt......lots. It is most likely that wherever you go in your life for EVER you may wonder Īwhat ever became of ________?ä
Sometimes (often) in life one just HAS to accept what IS and not expend oneās energies to Ībendā reality to Īwhat I REALLY wantā.........which is of no interest to the universe at all (darn it!). This is going to be VERY hard for you.
Thereās an old saying, ćLiving well is the best revengeä. Now, thereās nothing here to be Īrevengedā on........youāre from a small town, most everyone involved is probably very decent. However, in this case, if you really want to rise above this, turn your attention NOW, to yourself and your future self. Make concrete plans......AND CARRY THEM OUT.........to prepare yourself for the most wonderful career possible. That alone will take up your mindās energy and the payoff for you in you life will be grand, indeed.
This hurt will (eventually) become small(er) and your achievements will be such fun that you will find someone more appropriate for you. THEN you will mu MUCH happier. The whole process will take TIME..............turn that process into a boon for YOU, stop looking at it as a loss.
What happens to us in life is not always under our control............how we RESPOND to what happens to us in life IS under our control!
Good luck............and get going!
(Stephanie.....Iām aware that, at 18, this isnāt what you want to hear. It is, however, what will work for you. Youāre caught up in the minutiae of the situation, the Īother girlā, etc. Sorry, the basic Īrules of the universeā still apply..........even to nice young eighteen year olds who desperately want an exception to be made. Go read Īthe Rules for Being Humanā.)
- Annabelle
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