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Q - Dear Annabelle,
Last night my fiance and I got into a huge argument about an issue weāve argued about many times before: Old Girlfriends. He told me that ĪKathyā, an ex, was coming to Atlanta, (where he lives -- I live in Delaware), on business, and that he planned to Ītake her out, (to dinner, and for drinks). I am very uncomfortable with this and, as I said, this is not new to him.
Although he dated her a long time ago and claims she is Ījust a friendā, I feel that when youāre in a committed relationship, (i.e., engagement), those exās need to on the back burner, (i.e., out of the picture)....more so if itās a partner with which you had a sexual relationship. He feels differently. He feels that he should not have to forsake keeping a Īfriendshipā going with the exās if he chooses to do so.
Part of the reason why this hits my gut is for two reasons. (1) Sheās single and Iām 1000 miles away. I might feel more open to it if we, (he and I), were taking her to dinner. The other reason is kind of a long story........Iāll try to make it short. (2) Two summers ago, when his mom died, an ex girlfriend from college, (heās 38 now), came to the funeral and shortly afterwards, decided she was having a life crisis over an abortion she had after he got her pregnant, (in college). She felt that only he could help her.
When she came to spend a weekend with him to try to resolve this crisis, I asked if I could meet her. He claimed that she was too distraught, but assured me that she only wanted his friendship, He claimed she just Īneeded someone to hold herā that night in her time of distress......! I told him, that, although my male friends are great guys, I would never ask them to sleep with me, no matter what crisis I was in....thatās crossing the line. Our relationship almost ended over this girl.
So, here we are two summers later arguing over another ex-girlfriend. He claims Iām the one with the problem and that Iām being irrational. Iāve told him how much it bothers me. His response is that Īit bothers him that Iām so irrational about thisā. Am I? Where do you draw the line?
My point to him was, Īwhat is the point in having a committed relationship if you get to see whomever you want to see?ā Iām very upset by this an by the fact that now weāre engaged, he still wants to keep the exās in sight. When I asked him how she got his number to call him, he kind of stumbled and said.....āwell, he had talked to her a couple of months agoā, (I hadnāt even known her was still in touch with her).
Whatās the best way to handle this?
A - Dear Michelle,
Why does someone living in Delaware have a fiancee in Atlanta? Why do you call him your Īfianceā -- do you have a ring and a date? Are you deceiving yourself about his intentions? Are you deceiving yourself about YOUR own intentions?
This fellow is 1000 miles away. He seems to have very loose boundaries where exclusivity is concerned. If you really want to marry him, (and no one else), move to the same city and get on with it.
If you, (as a couple), are not prepared to do that, you -- as a woman of 33 -- want to seriously consider why. Whether his behavior is appropriate or not isnāt the question. It may be appropriate behavior for a single man who dates a woman in another city. It is NOT appropriate behavior for an engaged man.
If you are an attractive woman who has choices, this isnāt the best one.
- Annabelle
Q - Dear Annabelle,
Thank you for responding. I appreciate your candidness...I know you're
probably very busy with responses. If you have time at some point to comment on the rest of the story...thank you...if not, I fully understand.
I can't get an unbiased answer from my girlfriends because they are one
sided understandably so, (i.e., my side). To clarify the situation a little, I do have a beautiful ring. I'm hesitant to set a date for this reason: after 3.5 years of desperately wanting to marry him, (with countless arguments over commitment), and him promising me one day we would get married, (we lived in the same city then - in NC), I decided that I couldn't wait any longer. I didn't want him to waste my life away with false promises as he did with 2 other woman he dated for 4 years each - both of
whom he promised to marry - and both he never did.
Nine months before I moved back here, I started interviewing for jobs - all of which were far away from Atlanta, (where his next assignment was). He even went with me on one interview in NH - he told me to move to Atlanta - but I told him I would
only look for a job and move there if we got engaged. I would not move there without a commitment....(my thinking - what if I went all the way down there and he still would not commit?)
SOOOO, after I left my old job, (which was a huge career change), got a new
one with a really great company, and moved back to my hometown and bought a house, he decided to propose!!! (I had only been in my new job two weeks - I got the offer 6 months prior)....I've felt very torn inside...there are so many issues we need to
work through such as the "Old Girlfriend" thing that I guess I'm afraid to give up my job and living near my family (from whom I've been separated since high school - he's said he does not want to live in the north east - but that's a whole other issue)........maybe it's compatibility I'm questioning.
Here's one more example where we don't see eye to eye....he uses a very improper name for the black race - he says it's the way he was raised... it REALLY bothers me he uses that word and he uses it very frequently...I've asked him not to use it because I feel it is very wrong - yet he still does...he doesn't feel he should have to alter his language (and usually he only uses it around me or in the company of one or two other friends)...
Despite all this...I do love this person very much...and believe it or not
we are very close...it's kind of like when it's good...it's great!!....but,
the issues I mentioned above...along with others.....are clouding my decision to uproot
my life and move down there....I've been trying to work through them one by
one...but we're not getting very far.....I don't know if these are things are
petty and they will work themselves out or if the big red flag is
waving.....the tables have turned and he's now giving me the ultimatum.....I'm sick
inside from thinking about it so much.
A - Dear Michelle,
Life is interesting. People agonize so over things, both big and little........but, when it comes right down to it, what counts at the end of the day is what we DO. ĪMarriedā is for a very long time. ĪFriendshipā is too. What it sounds like (to me), is that you have a friend here, someone with whom you think youāre close, but from what you say, neither he -- nor you -- really wants to be Īmarriedā.........if you did, you would have done it by now.
Of course your family is important to you. So is your job and a host of other things as well. However, when we choose someone to marry, it is the Īotherā who is most important. Being single isnāt so awful........being unhappily married IS.
ĪLoveā is never enough.............itās just a really lovely feeling that, quite frankly, ebbs and flows throughout our lives. Even when you Īloveā someone enough to actually marry them, the feeling changes over the years......sometimes growing, sometimes waning. Marriage is not Īadvanced datingā. I know you know that. Youāve written a great deal.........my impression is that this is not the person for you. I think thatās your impression as well.
The world is full of people, why choose someone with whom you donāt appear to be well matched? The things that aggravate you now will only grow, and the things that enchant you may only lessen.......you already know what is best for you. Look into your mirror. You already have the answer.......donāt you?
- Annabelle
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