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Q - Dear Annabelle,
Ok, I'm 15 male, and there's this girl I like, I see her at the mall
occaionally, my friends know her but i'm too scared to talk to her or
any other girls. I know i have to be their friend but i just get too
scrared and nervous! If I talk to her it'll be kind of weird because she
doesn't know me thatwell and she''l probably think i'm weird or
something, when all i want to be is her friend. What I do to be her
friend or any other girl's friend, I just don't know how to approach
them, while all my other friends all have girlfriends. What should
I do not to be scared, how do I appraoch them? ........ an answer
will be appreciated!
A - Dear lost,
The mall in your question may or may not be one of the major ones where
young people your age hang out and fool around, hoping to pick up or to
be picked up by potential boy- or girl-friends. Even if it is, the
rules of the 'malling game' can be a pretty rough-and-tumble for someone
as inexperienced and easily embarrassed as your letter makes you
appear. (I'm assuming that you're not trying to fool kindly Miss Annabelle
here and that you really are a nice 15 year old young gentleman).
Being young, heavens, being human, is full of learning experiences.
Just as you once didn't know how to walk and, at first, fell down a lot,
you are now developing what are called, 'relationship skills. Everyone
does it well -- or not -- to some extent AND depending on their attitude
towrd the process. (Look at it as 'fun' and, really, you'll have a much
better -- and more successful -- time of it.)
Rule #1 is to not take the process so terribly seriously and to enjoy
your own development as you go. If you're rather in a hurry, do get a
copy of 'How to Win Friends and Influence People' by Dale Carnegie. It
is, of all things, the 'owner's manual', if you will, to people. Just
promise Miss Annabelle that you will use your new-found powers for good,
okay?
Rule #2 is to realize that, not only does most everyone have to develop
these skills, (we're leaving out the 'magical' few who seem to be born
with the 'knowing' of these things), most everyone is scared at first.
Remember, since you can be really traumatized if you take this too
seriously -- don't take it too seriously! (Easy for me to say, yes?) You
can more easily meet girls through after-school clubs, or youth groups
at your church or synagogue. Meeting that way is usually less
emotionally threatening and it's much easier to develop social skills in
those extra-curricular groups, than just "malling." For one thing, you
have less worry about what to talk about; the club activity gives you
something in common.
Admittedly, your question was about getting to meet a girl at the mall,
not through a club. You ask what you can do not to be scared. That's
an easy one to answer. There's nothing you can do except practice,
practice, PRACTICE! You may be afraid of being 'shot down' -- (and
anyone who would do that is RUDE). At 15, and all through adolescence
-- and throughout life as well, there are simply people, both boys AND
girls who wish to make themselves appear to be more successful by taking
shots at someone else -- it's an insecure person's way of building
esteem.
Forget about not being scared. It happens. It happens in all of life.
Your goal is to manage your fears and to develop skills to deal with
your fears successfully. There are few ventures in life that, at first,
don't seem rather scary. (Did you hear Matt Damon and Ben Afflick's
acceptance speech at the Oscar's last night? -- they said "It'll suck if
we lose and be really scary if we win!" -- they were scared!) The better you
get at rising above your fears and getting on with your life, the more
successful you will be -- at everything you do.
The first time you speak to a girl who doesn't know you in the
environment of a mall where put-downs are considered part of the fun,
you may, actually, get 'shot at'. If a girl is really important to you
-- now remember this for other situations as well -- approach her when
she is APART from a group. Groups have a 'group mentality' much as dog
packs do. She may 'shoot you down' to impress her friends as much as to
defend herself against her own insecurities.........yes, people who
'shoot people down' are INSECURE. (That's why they do it). Really
together folk are..well.......nice. Hot tip: ask her to HELP you (do
something).
If you're afraid to be made a fool in front of your friends, go for the
school and church groups, where there are some general rules of
courtesy. Don't torment yourself because your friends 'all have
girls'. Each person has a different rate of maturing, and a different
run of luck. You can probably be graduted from the ranks of
inexperienced teen-agers, to those of experienced teenagers. It will
take time and willingness to risk being embarrassed while you learn.
Here is a simple formula for conversation and ice-breaking:
Remember H.E.L.P.
HEALTH -- "Hi, how're you feeling today? Got over that cold yet?"...or
some variation thereof.
EDUCATION or ENTERTAINMENT -- "Man, that algebra class is a
drag!.......did you understand what the teacher said?"
LIFESTYLE -- "You look like Kate Winslett in 'Titanic'.....did you see
the film?
PLANS FOR THE FUTURE -- "Where do you see yourself after graduation?"
All off the above have endless variations.
This formula is taught at most all cotillions (those dance-and-manners
classes that some young people attend).
Your're smart to ask these questions........good luck and keep in touch!
- Annabelle
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