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Q - Dear Annabelle,
I found your site by accident one day, I wasn't really looking for a site on relationships, I was actually trying to get information on the internet about birth control pills. Unfortunately, my company logs all of the sites that are visited on the Net. Somehow I ended up here. Anyway, I met this guy in early April of this year through a mutual friend. It was kind of interesting because I was dating my friend's cousin at the time I met this guy.
She had mentioned in January, jokingly I thought, that she wanted to set me up with this guy, Sonny. I didn't think anything of it at the time and then I started dating her
cousin in mid-April. Well, on Easter weekend she and I went out for a night on the town type of thing and she decided she wanted to pay him a visit. This is the first time I set eyes on him.
He is gorgeous, absolutely gorgeous. He is so hot he makes my teeth sweat, okay? That is just about how attracted I am to him. Well, after having only been acquainted for an hour or so, he asks me out of the blue, " You are so beautiful, can I just kiss you? Just once? ". I was shocked and flattered to say the least and I almost let it happen but I reminded myself that I was with my best friend's cousin at the time and I couldn't do him wrong..or her. I value her respect for me very much which makes this situation even worse. Well, mid-May I broke it off with my friend's cousin and for two weeks played it single. Then one day I was out with my friend and she decided she wanted to go visit him at work.
You see, a year ago she was dating Sonny and a guy by the name of Adam (who is now and has been, her current boyfriend; they're approaching a year this month). At that time she had to choose between the two and she chose Adam. Well, when Sonny told her back in April that he really wanted to date me, she told him that if he tried she would never speak to him again as a friend. I just recently found that out. So we are at his work place and she is the one who pointed out that I was now single because she had just heard about half an hour before when we were at lunch. So he asks me out on a date and I leaped at the chance.
One of the reasons I think my previous relationship fell apart was because after I had laid my eyes on Sonny for the first time, I kept comparing my boyfriend to him. I couldn't stop my mind from wandering back to thoughts like "He is so good-looking." or "He is so much better looking than ----." I felt horrible. But I know that the physical attraction is definitely mutual. It has been from Day One.
Now to get to present day. After our first date, which was in early June, I am finding myself thinking about him when my mind is not on work. I compare every guy I see to him. I remember our first kiss as if it were just a minute ago. Every vivid detail is in my mind. It scares me how much I think about him. What also scares me is that I have never thought of myself as someone who is promiscuous but on our second date,
we slept together. I don't regret it but that experience made me regret losing my virginity to my ex. Which also makes me feel bad because I have always thought that anyone's first time would be a very memorable one, one that you wouldn't regret because of the emotional attachment to the person.
The way I feel about Sonny is unparalleled to what I felt for my ex. In comparison, I had no feelings for my ex, ( which I think is horrible of me to say ), because my feelings for Sonny are so strong. I'm also worried about myself because I am only 18 and I have always been told by my mother that people who act like that are only throwing their lives away. She has no clue I have lost my virginity let alone had sex several times in the past 2 months. My best friend doesn't even know because I know she would be upset with her cousin ( thinking he took advantage of me ) and she would lose respect for me and Sonny. As I said before, I value her respect and her friendship but I hate the fact that I can't discuss how I feel about Sonny.
I don't feel as if I am back-stabbing her because I am dating now, but yet I do. I know that probably makes absolutely no sense. I think I am afraid to tell her because I know she dated him before and I know she still finds him attractive although she would never betray her boyfriend. But I also know that it was her idea to set us up initially. I know she knows that Sonny and I have gone on a date and when she found that out, there was a surprised tone in her voice that I can't seem to forget.
But the way I feel about him. Just the physical attraction alone has so much electricity and magnetism that it is hard for me to imagine what my life would be like had I not met him. We've been dating for about 3 weeks now and we've slept together twice. I don't regret it at all, because it feels so right. Everything feels so right. My schedule is very demanding. I work 50 hour weeks and attend a night class 4 nights a
week for 4 1/2 hours at a time each night. He is very patient with my schedule so that explains why we've only seen each other alone 3 times.
I was speaking with another close friend of mine who I know will not disrespect me for sleeping with him because she is in a very similar situation. She asked me how I feel about him and I talked forever. Everything about him makes me feel so wonderful that words can't describe it. Even the slightest touch from him makes the world disappear and all I want is it to be that way forever. But is it real? She says
that according to what I have told her about how I feel, I am in love.
Can I be? Or do I just want to be in love with him because the physical attraction is so strong? I know that when we talk in depth, I feel no fear. I have no inhibitions or shame in telling him anything and when I told my friend that I immediately added " I think I could fall in love with him; if I haven't already." Am I just afraid to admit it? Or am I fooling myself? I worry a lot about my schedule because I don't want it to seem as though I have no time for him...all I want to do is make time for him. I don't want to blow this chance...possibly the chance of my lifetime.
How can I stop worrying about whether or not I am in love? Can a person
fall in love in less than a month?
A - Dear Kim,
(I have the most awful urge to lie to you and to tell you that, YES!! Itās LOOOOOOVE!) Well, itās not. There is a name for it, however. Itās called Īlimeranceā. Now, letās do some basic info-presenting here.
When people first became Īpeopleā, good old Mother Nature wired us to react/attract and to mate so humans would make more humans. This does not require brains, just lively hormones and a complete inability to postpone gratification. Well, that plan worked and we, (i.e. the world), now have a nice overly-large group of humans. Donāt really need more. Guess what? The Ībasic wiring directionsā are still in place.
So, where does that leave you? Well, evidently having the time of your young life. Now, your hormones have totally obliterated your mind and, if it hasnāt happened already, you are very likely going to have a crash as every bit as spectacular as your Īhighā. You say you work a 50 hour week. You must be very high energy...........has anyone ever mentioned that you also get really moody or angry?
(If youāre so quickly hooked on this guy and so verbose that you can sit at the computer and write to me, a complete stranger, using what seems like a gazillion words, I wonder how you deal with the opposite end of the spectrum....i.e., depression and loss?)
Letās slooooooow down a bit. And, yes, if I were your mom this would really be a stunner. Look, there are actually REASONS for postponing sexual gratification and all that other Īdumbā stuff. The Victorianās may have been a bunch of prudish twits sometimes, but the system worked -- for a very good reason. When sexual gratification is put off until marriage, a couple is forced to explore all the other aspects of a relationship...........good heavenās......to actually DEVELOP a relationship. Sex is wonderful, but to do it in the order you are doing it, is rather like finding and opening your Christmas gifts ahead of time..........it sort of spoils the big day itself.
ĪReal lifeā is not a soap opera or an episode of the Jerry Springer show........really. When youāve taken the time, not only to develop yourself into a mature and valuable individual, youāve also taken the time to find someone who will complement your journey through life. Right now youāre having, (what seems like), waaaaaaaaay too much fun. This is not really in your best interest. Be careful. Stay safe.............and donāt worry your mom -- she loves you.
- Annabelle
Q - Dear Annabelle,
Thank you for replying to my ridiculously long e-mail about my current situation. I'm sorry about the length, I just didn't realize I was writing that much. Perhaps you're right and I don't want to admit it. I know I am in no way offended at your opinion, seeing as how I asked for it.
So far, no one has said that I am moody or get angry quickly because I work 50 hour weeks and attend night class...thankfully I haven't gotten to that point, and hope I never will. I suppose I am high energy.
How will I deal with the other end of the spectrum? I don't know, I have thought about that though, when I realized that I must be crazy to feel this way. Perhaps that day will come and perhaps it won't hopefully though, we will always remain friends. We'll see.
I know my mom loves me, and I am doing everything I can to be safe, seeing as how I am making the choices I am. I know you are most likely right on sexual
gratification as far as waiting; but when it is in the heat of the moment, the last thing I am thinking about is waiting. Like I said, I don't regret it because it feels right. But I will think about what you said. You are most likely right. I know I still have a lot to learn about that thing called the Īreal worldā.
What should I do now?
A - Dear Kim,
First, stay OUT of the Īheat of the momentā.
Now, here is a BASIC recipe for success:
GET A GOOD EDUCATION
GET A GOOD JOB
INVEST YOUR MONEY WISELY
- Annabelle
Q - Dear Annabelle,
Hi, it's me again. I hope I am not pestering you. Your advice makes it all seem so simple. I know you don't mean to belittle me with your advice if anything I am grateful for it. All of the friends I have turned to so far have said all the things I want to hear but you give me a taste of realism which I know I need...I just can't seem to give it to myself.
The thing is, I have a good paying job, one of which I can turn into a career after some time. I am currently an executive receptionist at a major corporation in the oil, gas and petroleum business. I also attend a night class voluntarily the summer after my high school graduation and am currently investigating 4 year universities that I may wish to transfer to after completing my basics at a local community college. I do everything but spend my money so I can't seem to figure out where I went wrong.
What do you think?
A - Dear Kim,
ćEven the slightest touch from him makes the world disappear and all I want is it to be that way forever...ä
ć.....do I just want to be in love with him because the physical attraction is so strong? I know that when we talk in depth, I feel no fear. I have no inhibitions or shame in telling him anything...ä
Remember those words from your first letter? You are describing YOUR RELATIONSHIP -- as an infant/toddler -- with your MOTHER. (THATāS why the experience feels so Īrightā, so Īperfectā.) Donāt worry about it, Ītransferenceā feelings are the basis for (most) new relationships.
If you are in a large enough town and can find a very GOOD psychologist, or a University that trains psychologists and find for yourself a good intern with an excellent supervisor, (interns work on a sliding scale), you might benefit from some therapy to explore your choices. Just as, when you and a friend are talking, you can see behind your friend, and she behind you, unless you change places with that other person, you have only the view from where you stand. Right now, from where you Īstandā in life, you have a fixed view. Really good therapy allows you to Īchange Lilly padsā, as it were and to Īseeā things differently.............and to, therefore, make better choices for yourself. (Ones not based on infant connections and automatic reactions to stimuli).
Of course your friends Īslantā their opinions in your favor. They are your friends and care for you. Your current choices vis a vis your male friend, becoming sexually active, etc., are most likely NOT in your best interest, and that is why I recommend a good psychologist. That, and the fact that to be so Īhyperā and dedicated to work at your age is something to investigate. Work is a good thing, but the combination of how your life is currently playing out might be explored, to your greater benefit.
- Annabelle
Q - Dear Annabelle,
Thanks for replying so quickly. I'm not too "keen" on the idea of going to a
therapist. I guess maybe b/c I'm caught up in the bad reputation of people who go to therapists...I don't know.
Why is it so bad that my schedule is the way it is? I can understand your opinion on my decision to have become sexually active but on my work/school schedule?
Am I really describing my relationship with my mother? I'm not that close to my parents, in fact we hardly talk on a personal/intimate level so I don't know how
it could be that way.
Help!
A - Dear Kim,
I don't know about the 'bad reputation' about which you speak. Think for a minute. If your car needs work, you take it to a mechanic, anything you have occasionally needs a 'tune up' of sorts. People are no different. You were born with your basic wiring and disposition, (how you perceive your surroundings and react to them), and then, before you had any ability to sort things out for yourself, (before you were two), you formed impressions and attachments from which you (generally) base the rest of your life's decisions.
Don't worry about the 'mother thing'............most EVERYone is reacting to their first love......their mother. It's completely unconscious. (Remember, the first nine months of our lives were spent in total comfort with the best 'room service' we'll ever have). That's one of the reasons that, any time we feel understood, loved, or cared for, it resonates so deeply within ourselves. (Now you know something few people know.)
That's why a really good therapist can help you examine your patterns of behavior. Going to a therapist doesn't imply that there's something 'wrong' with you, it implies that you are in pain and have the strength and courage to examine possibly faulty patterns of decision making.
Considering that many, if not most, decisions come from an 'unconscious' basis, this is (usually) a good thing. It's called 'growth'. Growth, change of any kind, hurts. It's not an easy process. It is, (usually, and if you get a competent therapist), a most excellent decision...........and it does take courage. This is not your car we are speaking of......it is your life.
That you work so hard is a good thing, that it may be holding back pain from your consciousness, (in light of your recent exchanges with me), is the question that has come to mind.
- Annabelle
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