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Q - Dear Annabelle,
This is a toughie......it comes under the heading of Īthese things just happenā. Thatās no real comfort to you, but your instincts are correct. At 25, you are most likely looking for a fellow with whom you can have, (probably), a Īrealā relationship, and not one where the guyās got one foot in the past.
In life, there are some people who impact on us, (in this case, his old girlfriend), with whom we have what is called Īunfinished businessā. The Īold girlfriendā may or may not be appropriate for him, the point is, he and you are not securely attached...........and without a Īsecure attachmentā, whimlets can -- and do -- get in the way.
Ask yourself what purpose it serves YOU to yearn for him when he is thinking of another, because it DOES serve a purpose for you. It may mirror an earlier relationship in your life. I will go over (briefly) Īattachment mechanismsā.
With a female, the father is the early male love object and, usually, Īdadā is busy, away from home most of the time, so the little girl learns to vie for his attention, not only with mom, but also with all of the other responsibilities in a dadās life........his work around the house, his time spent with other of the siblings, whatever.
Little girls love their daddies and have an actual Īlove affairā at about four years of age. All of this passes into the unconscious as the little girl grows up, but the mechanism for attracting Īdaddyā generally remains in place. Thatās one of the reasons, by the way, that Īdifficultā men are more attractive to women than are the guys who are easy to get. (It works, in a similar way, the other way around, too).
Top all this with what is called the Zigarnek Effect (i.e., the need to complete unfinished business), and you have a pretty good formula for wanting what you cannot have. Now, if the guy was also actually desirable, more so than others you know, there is more of a difficulty. Add to that that some guys, (just some?), have problems staying in a relationship if they feel the female is attaching faster then they are, well, then the fellow leaves, using whatever is handy as an excuse.
There are some men who can never make a permanent attachment, because of their experinces with mother in infancy. Itās all very dicey......actually, the wonder is that anything works well at all.
There are times in life when you just hold your head high, turn your face to the wind and move on. This sounds like one of those times.
- Annabelle
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