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Q - Dear Annabelle,
3 years ago in October I began seeing a man 7 years younger than myself who was, in fact, a former student of mine. ( I teach high school). I hadn't seen him in over 10 years, he was my student in 1980. Though I was married at the time, we were good friends during his school years, and I always thought he was special. We reconnected easily after all those years -- we just love talking to each other. He wrote me some letters of a romantic nature, complimenting me and so forth, and also wrote some poems. We began a sexual relationship and he was wonderfully romantic with candles and music.
He told me all along he felt he was "afraid of intimacy" and couldn't allow himself to get too close to anyone. He had been married, briefly, and that ended badly. I didn't care about the Īno commitment / no marriageā attitude. I don't mind not being married at all. The first year we took a trip to Toronto. After the trip, he said he could no longer have sex with me because he, Īthought it was wrong since the relationship isn't going to go anywhereā, and he felt "guilty: but he still wanted to be pals like Jerry and
Elaine on Seinfeldä.
This was hard for me because I had fallen for him, (what with the poetry and things he had said during the first couple of months). I refused to hang around with him as pals, and went on with my life trying to meet new men. He continued to call me. Nine months. later he said he had gotten over his Īsex hangupā and we could be together again.
That June we went on a one-week vacation, and after that he withdrew again. He didn't totally cut me off from the sex, just explained to me he Īloves meā but is not ĪIN loveā with me. I accepted that because I enjoy his company so much and, frankly, there are not many men out there. I have tried placing ads and have met some men, but no one that I have dated in my ten years of being single pleases me as much as D. as a person / sex partner.
This year we took a cruise. At dinner one night the waiter referred to me as Dan's wife. He had been drinking and he carried on,"Married!? Not me pal? NO way! WE are NOT married!!" the others at the table were embarrassed for me and I told him later I was offended and hurt by his carrying on. Aside from that, we had a fabulous trip. When we got home, he withdrew AGAIN, and 8 weeks later I finally said, "Am I ever going to see you again in person? (he kept acting too 'busy" to see me, and he lives an hour away). He finally had to tell me Īno more sexā again Ībut let's be best of friendsā.
Reason: because I had gotten upset by his comment on the cruise that means I secretly want to get married. This is NOT true. Now he is still calling and being all friendly and I enjoy talking to him so much but afterward I end up begin miserable
because talking to him makes me want to be with him again. He came back to me the last time. Should I assume he will do that again eventually if I refuse to be his "buddy"?
A - Dear JJ,
Bottom line: He is permanently Īdamaged goodsā.....(some men just are) -- if you want to continue with him, do what you will, but if you DO continue with him, I most STRONGLY recommend that you go into serious therapy to find out why YOU require such shabby treatment for yourself. He is one sick puppy, and YOU are on a power trip. But then, so is he.
- Annabelle
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