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Q - Dear Annabelle,
I recently met and fell in love with a gentleman whose wife has cancer. The gist of this is that he is equally attracted to me and has asked me to marry him. He will not abandon his wife even though they have not had a husband/wife relationship for several years. Death is certain and she will not last out the year, if the summer.
I am having a difficult time dealing with the guilt of feeling like a vulture circling, even though it is most evident that their marriage has been over for quite some time. At the same time, I would like for her to know that it is OK to let go, that God has sent me into their lives to take care of him and her children. I do not have children, cannot have, and have wanted a family so badly.
This man is a wonderful person, a terrific father, and has shown that he will stand by you, no matter what. These are all very commendable attributes. Two questions: should I feel guilty? and, should we tell her about me before she dies?
Thank you for your advice.
A - Dear Lynn,
First, let me say that what I have to offer is my opinion only, and you must make your own decisions. (This situation sounds quite like the stuff of a good soap opera.) The most ethical way to handle this situation is for the husband to care for his wife until she dies and then to spend time with you. Unless the wife has been quite clear that she wants him to remarry and to find someone right now, it may not feel terribly wonderful for her to be being eaten alive by this dreadful disease while also having some lovely, (not to mention), healthy replacement waiting in the wings, as it were.
If your relationship with the soon-to-be widower is solid, it will certainly last past his beloved wifeâs death. You might consider how you would feel were the situation reversed, and give the woman some breathing room. Dying may be more peaceful for her if she has expressed the wish for the two of you to be together. Absent that, allowing her the illusion that she is still the love of her husbandâs life would be , not only gracious, but a noble act of good character.
Your time is coming......................hers is running out.
- Annabelle
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