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Q - Dear Annabelle,
My boyfriend and I recently decided to get married. We are both
recent college grads but I graduated first, which has allowed me to have
the upper hand on our financial situation. He has been at home for
almost a week and he is looking for a job.
We have been together for almost a year and, when we first met, it
was like a dream come true. We talked all the time and he really makes
me laugh which he still does, but we have been having some seriously
heated arguments lately.
When we met, we were both coming out of bad, (abusive),
relationships which caused both of us to carry old luggage into a new
relationship. We both also have children with the people from those
past relationships, but his situation is not as complicated as mine. We
are planning to get married in August of 1999, but we are arguing over
little petty situations.
We are both frustrated with our living arrangements because we are
at home with our parents. I could get my own place, but he doesn't want
to move out until he has a job which is causing stress because we are
planning a wedding already. (The deposit was already made for the
reception hall and we want to go through with it).
I just wished that we could be the way we used to be. I don't know
what to do about the arguing. He says that I Ījump the gunā and assume
things fast, and that I am insecure, (which may be true). It sometimes
feels that he only thinks of himself and forgets I exist. (He does some
things that make me so mad, I actually want to hit him).
I know that I have a bad temper,r but he does not seem to see
things my way or even listen to what I am saying. He can really hurt my
feelings and when I tell him that he hurt my feelings, he acts as if its
MY fault, and tells me that I have no reason to feel the way I do.
Basically, I want him to comfort me when I am upset and he doesn't do
that!
I don't know why we are treating each other the way we are, and we
picked a fine time to start. How can I get things back to being more
good times than bad times? How can I get the arguments to stop ? What
is happening to us? Should we go through with our wedding plans?
Please Help Me
A - Dear Amy,
Whoa! Slow down here! Youāre ONLY 24, and youāve already had, (at
least), one bad relationship from which you, (both), also have
children. Time, not only to slooooow down, but to STOP all together.
From what youāve told me, (in both letters), neither you nor he are
ready for a marriage. Marriage isnāt Īadvanced datingā, Amy, itās a
commitment, not only to each other and to your children as a family
unit, but also to society to help strengthen the community.
Now, letās deal with the bits and pieces. That youāve Īreserved
the hallā sounds premature. You can always go ahead and have a party,
but the fancy dress with matching shoes and a pretty cake and lots of
people are NOT what Īmarriageā is all about. (You know this or you
wouldnāt have written) .
Second marriages are notoriously poor bets in the first place, and
your current situation does NOT bode well for taking that step. YOUR
first obligation, Amy, is to your child/children, (as is his). Children
do NOT need a succession of failed liaisons, nor do they need an upset
mom or dad. You are both already feeling the strain of advancing toward
a marriage. Back off and see if that doesnāt help.
You live in a large urban area where they must have good marriage
and family counselors. Your social services department will have
recommendations for, not only parenting classes, but also marriage
preparation classes......(as if ANY Īclassā could prepare one for one of
the most amazing journeys one will ever undertake.)
One of the great mysteries to me is, not only there very LITTLE
preparation for marriage, save having had excellent role-modeling from
oneās own parents, but also, having children is about as wild a ride as
any person is ever going to experience.
That you and your significant other are arguing, and that things Ījust
arenāt fun anymoreā only foreshadows greater difficulties to come.
I understand that you donāt want to go through life alone, and that
youād like to have a Īfatherā for your children. However, your current
situation clearly indicates that the anxiety level has risen
unacceptably. How about agreeing to remain friends for a few more
years? Frankly, your children are your first priority. (Thatās just
the way it IS). If you place your needs above theirs, (and, by that I
donāt mean that you become their slave), what kind of a role model will
THEY have when they grow to adulthood?
Find a good psychologist, or well-qualified marriage and family
counselor and deal FIRST with your having Īvolunteeredā for an abusive
relationship. (You did, you know), ........and so did he.....thatās a
very bad indicator right there.
Secondly, work on your communication skills. It sounds as if you
speak different dialects. Communication style breakdowns cause a good
deal, if not most, of the mischief in the world......and, most
certainly, in almost all relationships. How we Īhearā what another
says, how we Īfilterā what we hear and how we respond out of our
Ībeliefā about what we BELIEVE we Īheardā gets REALLY problematic.
It sounds as if your styles are dramatically different. Youāre
stuck in an Īold loop patternā, and help from a competent third party is
essential if youāre ever to make headway here. You are, essentially,
speaking two different languages.
Thirdly, you characterizing yourself as having the Īupper handā on
the financial situation indicates, again, that premarital counseling is
absolutely necessary. It does NOT sound as if the two of you are
ANYWHERE NEAR ready to make a marriage commitment. I know I sound like
an old grump today, but, yes, you have serious problems here, (and more
problems than you are really aware of.)
You can do it......itāll be hard, and, maybe not what you have in
mind right now, but you have to live in the future as well.......as do
your children..........so your choices now are VERY important.
- Annabelle
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