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Q - Dear Annabelle,
I have been dating my on-again, off-again boyfriend for five years. We have had many ups and downs. We have been through everything, together and apart. I think I am dumb for going back to him after he got physical with me. Also, my parents do not condone our relationship and actually forbid me to date him. They don't know we have been dating for 6 months - I was at school. However, now he is needing his "space" again and I don't know how to let him go.
I fear that I will never find anyone who will love me and care for me, (respect,too). I know this is irrational but I can't make it go away. How do I walk away, like he has, and move on in life to find better? Where do I find a good guy? Bars are not my answer to relationships! Do I hold on longer or do I finally say my good byes? How do I know if I am in love with him or with the idea of being in love? I really need some help!!!!
I also failed to mention that we were really close to being parents. In April I aborted our child. I could not become a mother so young in my life. I was not ready to get rid of all of my dreams and goals when they were only ready to begin. He only thinks that I miscarried, (in order for me to have this done). He was wonderful and wanted to have the baby and get married, etc. but it was not what I wanted. However, I am now feeling totally guilty and wish I hadn't done such a horrible thing. He told me the other day that we would be planning our wedding now and preparing to be a family.
Am I only thinking of this because I want to hold on to him? I also wonder if I feel this way because so many of my friends are marrying and are in love. My best friend and I, (along with my close group of friends), are single but I would love that companionship. I have a lot of concerns - guilt, loneliness, anger, and frustration to name a few. How do I move on and put myself back together?
(Please don't just me badly for the abortion. Not until I was in the situation did I consider the option. It was amazing how my views changed once I was in those shoes).
A - Dear Meghan,
Whew!......you certainly DO have concerns! Iāll deal with each area separately, however the Ībottom lineā is going to be: find yourself a GOOD therapist and get into treatment to find out WHY you treat yourself so badly.
Now; youāve selected a fellow whom your parents -- and I would imagine they love you and have your best interests at heart -- have Īforbiddenā you to see. Unless there are things of which Iām unaware here, I would bet that theyāre right. However, having a parent say ĪNOā, will, (often), encourage an immature personality to persist. I say Īimmatureā, (think 2-year old), because a more Īmatureā personality would take a look at that parental directive and realize that the ćNOä is probably in line with the parental proscriptions about watching for danger in crossing the street, etc. The only real difference is that your are now a separate, legal, adult and can go right ahead and put yourself in harmās way. .............Isnāt that just what youāve done?
General rule: **Anytime anyone says they, ćNEED THEIR SPACEä,.........give it to them!!** Loosely translated, that means, Ībye!ā Now, you say that heās also talked about how Īyouād be married by nowā. Well, his vacillating back and forth means that his uncertainty about who HE is and wants indicates that HEāS not ready to Īsettle downā.
Another Īgeneral ruleā......and a VERY biggie. ANY time a guy Īgets physicalā.........
YOU WALK!! PERIOD!!! Again, you want to see a therapist to find out why you put yourself in harmās way.......and STAY in harmās way. How do you Īfindā a good guy? Well, as you probably know, itās not easy.......being NOT a Īgood guyā is so much more prevalent, and, to a lot of women, more interesting.
FIRST you work on yourself to get your SELF into shape so youāll attract (and want to keep), Īgood guysā. Right now you donāt think well of yourself. You donāt believe that you DESERVE a Īgood guyā or that youāre worth a Īgood guyā. Thatās part of why you donāt have one. (Youāre right not to look in bars. Those are just great places to find an alcoholic)......the odds are just too great of finding a Īwrongā guy there.
Now, I want to deal with your abortion. That you feel dreadful about having murdered an unborn is appropriate. Iām putting it that way because, well, thatās what happened. You put yourself in a Īpositionā, literally, to get pregnant, and jeopardized the future of an innocent. Because YOU needed solace and a Īgood feelingā, you were willing to cause harm to another.
At 22, it is not unusual to not have thought ahead about how one is going to lead oneās life. You may not yet have clearly thought out what your Īstandardsā will be. You acted out of Īfeelingsā and out of emotion and now you have regret..............āregretā is that terrible feeling that you COULD have done other than you did. That you COULD have made another choice.
The poet, Rod Stewart, once said, ćThere is no Īif onlyā, there is only ISä. You are the accumulation of your behaviors, not of your feelings. Feelings do NOT have to be Īacted uponā. Everyone has Īfeelingsā, some good, some bad, they all will pass. Our character is built on how we process those feelings..............how we ACT upon those feelings.
Your basic question is Īhow do you say your good-byes?ā........well thereās only ONE way to do something. That is to DO it. Yes, itās HARD. Meg, why do you think the world is so full of weak people? Itās not because they donāt have Īwill powerā.......itās because they lack ĪWONāT power.ā When something isnāt in your, or in someone else's best interest, you just DONāT DO IT!! Itās just that simple........and just that difficult. Will it be painful? Of course it will. But, look at the pain youāre in now.......and you KNOW youāre doing the wrong thing.
Growth hurts, Meghan. ĪDoing the right thingā isnāt easy. But, if YOU donāt Īdo the right thingā, where will YOU end up? If other people donāt Īdo the right thingā, where will we, as a society, and as a world, end up?
Whose team are you going to play on, Meghan? Please, make the right choice. Every time someone makes the Īright choiceā the light gets a little brighter. You have a long future ahead of you. Live it well.
- Annabelle
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