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Q - Dear Annabelle,
I haven't found anyone who can advise me on this, perhaps you can. I have a friend here at work. He is in his late 30's, married, two kids. We have worked on various projects together. He is smart, funny and very attractive. He appears to be in love with his wife, and is a wonderful father.
The problem is that I have fallen in love with him. And, no, it's not about sex. Somehow everything seems a little warmer when I know he's around. When I'm with him I feel more alive. Recently he was on vacation for almost a month, which seemed long, cold and gray. But because his family life is so important to him, I haven't said a word, and I don't intend to. It would just hurt him, and that I will not do.
Now, I lead a full life, I'm close to my family, active in my church, I volunteer regularly. I have dated since I met him, but no one else makes me feel like this. So my question is, what is the best way to deal with this?
I can't quit my job or refuse to work with him, and I'm not sure I'd want to. Dating in this town is abominable, so even though I intend to keep looking, odds are I won't find someone else anytime soon. And I can't say a word about this to anyone here. Any suggestions?
A - Dear ?,
Yes, I have a couple of suggestions. First, letâs look at your statement.
ăHe is smart, funny and very attractive. He appears to be in love with his wife, and is a wonderful father.ä
Sounds just like the kind of guy any woman would be lucky to have, doesnât it, Katie? Maybe his wife even feels the same way. I remember being your age, Katie, and not having a clue how much damage the feelings youâre now having, ăSomehow everything seems a little warmer when I know he's around.ä could do.
If youâre very, VERY lucky, you will become more mature, meet and marry a wonderful guy and never NEVER know the desperately cold fear that can creep over a wifeâs heart when she finds out that a young lovely at work has found a weak spot in her husbandâs armor. Katie, being married, with two young children, sometimes leaves a wife a little vulnerable and a husband can be tempted by a close working relationship with a charming young woman with whom he has a project in common.
Could you continue to fantasize and have an opportunity to tempt your co-worker? Absolutely. Maybe you donât care about the incredible damage that would do, not only to his family, to his wife, his children, and to him, but perhaps you DO care to know that you will have done, virtually irreparable, damage to yourself. You will have become a cheat, a liar, and a thief. You will know that you are less than youâd believed......you DO believe well of yourself, donât you, Katie?
Yes, I understand that, in your small town, you have fewer options than in a larger arena. All of life is filled with choices, Katie. Will YOU choose to take the tawdry way, the Îeasyâ way, or will you be courageous and make a move that will enhance your life? We currently see weak character and serious sociopathology at play on the national stage..............is this how you see YOUR self, Katie? Or, do you have higher standards?
You do have choices. If you donât want to leave your family, leave your town or job, that is a choice you can make. Remember, all choices have consequences. My suggestion? Make a very long list of ALL your options, moving out of town to a larger, more populated area, finding a different job with another company or with another branch of the same company, you get the idea. I would hope that you would make a choice that would increase, not decrease, your stature as a person. And, Katie, I believer that you have it in you to make the better choice.
You see, if you didnât already know the answer, you wouldnât have asked.
- Annabelle
Dear Annabelle,
You're right, as long as I stay here it will be a constant temptation. And I truly don't want to hurt him, or his children. There are other places in the area where I can work. It may take time to get there, but in the meantime, I can try to avoid working on any of
his projects, (and avoid him in general). I haven't said anything to him yet, and I certainly don't intend to now.
Ok, now what?
I feel like I've been alone forever. ...........I'm beginning to think I should just resign myself to being alone. Every man I have ever been interested in has either been unavailable, or has broken it off. And, while I feel a sense of obligation to my family,
I'm not particularly close to them. So, we know HE is not the answer
A - Dear Katie,
Good choice........youâll like yourself a lot better, not only Îin the morningâ, but, for the rest of your life as well. From what you say.....
ăEvery man I have ever been interested in has either been
unavailable, or has broken it offä
......Iâd like you to consider the possibility that it is YOU who are authoring this behavior. Sometimes, if our Îradioâ is set to the wrongâ stationâ we bring in signals that serve a purpose of which we are unaware...........ask yourself, what purpose has it served to attract men to you who are NOT Îpermanent matchâ types...?
One of the things that you might consider doing, is finding yourself a really GOOD psychologist and exploring what it is, hidden in your unconscious, that puts a barrier between you and what you THINK, consciously, that you want.
One of the reasons we have the things in life that we do, is that those are the things we WANT. Thereâs a very old, annoying, yet true saying......
If you continue to do what youâve always done
Youâll continue to get what you always got....!
I know youâll continue to make good decisions...........perhaps not every time, but most of the time, and that kind of batting average is a good one, indeed!
- Annabelle
Dear Annabelle,
This place is full of net surfers and I don't want any of my
co-workers, or the gentleman in question, to put two and two together.
So if you post this to your site, please hide my identity.
As far as a good therapist goes, I've been considering it. I keep
thinking there has to be a way out of this social and emotional hole
I've dug, but I can't find it. You're right, I could use some help.
Thanks.
A - Dear ?,
When you select your therapist, your question is 'why do I, (you),
keep selecting only unavailable men? What is it in ME that doesn't
really WANT to find an acceptable guy for my very own and get married?'
'What purpose does it serve me to spend my time in this manner?"
- Annabelle
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