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Q - Dear Annabelle,
I have this relationship with this man and we don't seems to be getting anywhere, but he said he Īloves meā . What should i do?
A - Dear Oma,
Your say you Īdonāt seem to be getting anywhereā.......where is it that you want to go in this Īrelationshipā? (That would be the first thing to be clear about). If youāre having sex with him then he HAS what HE wants. Now, if thatās all YOU want as well, well, you already have that.
Now, take a look at what you ĪHAVEā. What you HAVE is very likely ALL that youāre going to get. Some fellows will string you along so they can get what THEY want....and young ladies, like yourself, will just follow along HOPING to have something else. In ANY relationship itās not the words that count.....itās the ACTIONS.
Words are just that, WORDS. Only ACTIONS and BEHAVIORS are real. Keep in mind, when someone really LOVES you, they want what is BEST FOR YOU. Does having sex outside of marriage, (and risking the future of a child), seem to be in YOUR, (or the childās), best interests?
- Annabelle
Q - Dear Annabelle,
I got your reply and, as you say, he IS after Īone thingā. While thatās true, he SAYS he Īloves meā,..... yet he treats me like a child ...as if i have no sense. Sometimes, heāll say that I Īdeceiveā him. Though he will be so nice to me, I don't like the way he talks to me. Sometimes I am a bit uncomfortable with him.
Heāll say Īwe have a life togetherā, but then I don't think so because of the way he treats me.
HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!
A - Dear Oma,
At 40, it's IMPERATIVE that you KNOW what you want in this relationship. The only things youāve mentioned are what you DONāT like. I donāt hear ANY indication that thereās anything in the relationship for YOU. Are you with this person just because youāre lonely? Do you believe that you canāt find a better match for yourself? You DO know, donāt you, that the longer you stay with him, the more time passes, and that it is YOU who are choosing to remain in a situation where you SAY you are uncomfortable.
Oma, you CANNOT change him OR his behavior. YOU CAN ONLY CHANGE YOURSELF AND YOUR BEHAVIOR. (Did I day that strongly enough?) You asked me to Īhelp youā. Oma.....you already KNOW the answer to this one.........otherwise you couldnāt have asked the question.
- Annabelle
Q - Dear Annabelle,
I got your answer, ...thanks. I know what you are telling me is right, but its like I am
Īstuckā with him. He would call and call, and tell me all these sweet things, then he would go back to insults. I want to get out. .He has caused my husband to file for divorce and this is really wearing me out.
You see, he is not really working, and I kinda am helping out, .but I guess he is taking advantage of me. In my heart I know he cares, cause there is no one else there for him, but sometimes I believe he wants to make me so perfect and its frustrating me when he carries on the way he is. I love him a lot and I miss him when we are not together. He is sweet in his own way but, I think I need more than this.
Yes, I think I cannot find a person to love me, and I feel insecure about myself. I know I need help, and he has been there for me, but I do not know how to figure him out. He tells me his business, but not all. He sometimes lies to me and it hurt s when I find out but I cannot say anything to him Īcause this will cause problems with us and, right now, I cannot take on the stress from this person.
A - Dear Oma,
If I understand you correctly, you are now telling me that you are a married woman with a man on the side. Now, perhaps in Trinidad, things are done a bit differently, so I wonāt speak to that part of it.
You keep stating that you Īcannot take on the stress from this personā. Oma, let me be very clear here.........YOU ARE VOLUNTEERING TO DO EXACTLY WHAT YOU ARE DOING. You *have what you want*.......(thatās why you have it.) Every day, you wake up and you make decisions that include this person in your existence.
Do you know about Īappropriate boundariesā? *NO* is a good word...it establishes a boundary. God did not create you to volunteer as a doormat. Continue to do what you are doing, or not. The choice is yours.....every day. If you need help strengthening your boundaries, find a good psychologist and grow yourself into a stronger person. The Īstressā you are feeling is from SAYING that you want one thing, yet DOING quite another.
I cannot help you, Oma........only YOU can help you!
- Annabelle
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