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Q - Dear Annabelle,
I left my husband almost one year ago.Ê I became involved with a man that was a friend of both of us.Ê This friend has helped me through this difficult time.Ê I am now divorced from my husband and this friend wants to take our relationship to more committed levels.Ê I love this man but not as much as he loves me.Ê He would spend every hour with me if I let him.Ê I like to be around him and enjoy doing things together but I can survive if I don't see him.Ê
What is going on here?Ê I am not sure if I am in love with him.Ê When I tell him he says I should have told him before I let him put so much into our relationship.Ê He makes me feel guilty.Ê I was hoping I would develop more loving feelings but I haven't.Ê He makes it very hard to break it off.Ê He is very close to perfect and I may be making a mistake.
A - Dear Scared And Confused,
O.K.......this is how this particular scenario, (usually), works..... A person, (married), is under great stress and finds a close friend of the opposite sex to align him/herself with as a sort of Îrudderâ while going through turbulent times. Now, where women are generally of the ÎI can fix/help himâ, (think Înurse personâ), pattern, men are more of the ÎI can rescue herâ belief. The added kicker is that the Îfriendâ is usually someone with a hidden agenda.....as in Înow itâs MY turnâ, (to have him/her). In psycho-babble this person is usually called the Îhyphenâ.....i.e., the Îspacerâ between being married and being single.
Almost NEVER does the person who has acted in the Îhyphenâ role become a lasting part of the other personâs life. The person has served a purpose for the Îescapeeâ and, once the desired person has, in fact, become free again, that Îhyphenâsâ role is, (usually), finished. The person is not, (usually), seen as a Înewâ relationship, but as a bridge from an Îoldâ relationship.
It doesnât sound as if you entered into this with your friend on an Îuseâem and loseâemâ basis......(some people actually do set out to do this), but are now finding that your newly single status and mind-set doesnât allow for this fellow to be a love interest. However, consider that you MAY have known his feelings and intentions all along and just not wanted to recognize what HE was hoping to get out of this.....HIS Îpayoffâ. You had YOUR needs and HE had his Îhidden agendaâ......these things can run just below the surface and not be looked at until they surface into what you have now.
Suggestion: Calm down. This may, indeed, be a good person worthy of a relationship.....YOU, however are still in shock from having left your marriage. *Hear me, here.* Give yourself TWO YEARS to let the dust settle. You might even want to see a good shrink about what your part in your marital problems were. Seeing a shrink will most certainly give you the opportunity to get your thinking straight and to clear out the dust bunnies from your brain. Donât do anything rash.....this fellow could actually be a keeper, youâre just not yet ready to do anything but replicate your earlier relationship with your husband.
Yes, if you DONâT find out what your pattern was, you will.....because itâs the only pattern you know, .....repeat it. Is that what you want? Give the whole thing some time. Treat him decently, and give everything TIME.....lots of it. Life is long, no need to rush. If this is a good guy, and the Îright oneâ for you, heâll stay.
- Annabelle
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