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Q - Dear Annabelle,
I am currently in a relationship with someone,(we are living together for almost a year now). We are already talking about marriage, (even set a date somewhere next year). There is, however, a problem that keeps popping up. I only get to see her friends at birthday parties and other special occasions. She only meets her friends when I'm at work, or, when she makes an appointment with one of her friends, she makes clear that she doesn't want me to come along. This gives me a feeling of being shut out of part of her life.
I've already talked to her about this. She says that she is not trying to shut me out, but that, since she's moved in, she doesn't see her friends that much. This is true, but for me and my friends also. She says that she wants to spend these occasions alone with her friend and that me coming along would be 'different' and 'no so much fun'.
I do not want to keep her away from her friends or deny her moments alone with her friends. I just want to be asked to come along once in awhile, especially when they are going to do things which I like to do also. This gives me a feeling of being exuded. Furthermore, when I meet her friends at a birthday party, I have this feeling of visiting strangers. Those strangers just happen to be a big and important part of my girlfriends life.
A - Dear Eric,
Know what? I actually believe your girlfriend.............and you.
This is most likely what is happening. (Bear with me on this one and pretend I know what Iām talking about here.) Go through your letter again and substitute the word Īmomā for Īgirlfriendā. (Donāt panic). Now, Īmomā is going Īoutā without you and you are feeling Īleft outā. Itās really no more complicated than that. Different people (like your girlfriend) have different personal/social needs. Some people LIKE to have their Īsignificant otherā along on just every occasion. Others, simply prefer to have more Īaloneā time with other people, or even by themselves.
If, as it happens in your case, the Īotherā, (you), has more of a Īmergingā type personality and needs, the problems arises and the person whose Īclosenessā needs are not being met feels anxiety and stress.
If you otherwise have a good relationship and IF you can allow her to have her Īseparateā time, you will most likely continue to work toward marriage. If HER anxiety level rises because she is beginning to feel Īcrowdedā you may exacerbate the problem and may, in fact, break up.
It sounds -- to me -- as if the problem is yours. You may want to talk with a professional about learning to lower your anxiety level. You will both, most likely, benefit.
- Annabelle
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