|
|
Q - Dear Annabelle,
I've recently entered into a relationship with a woman I'm quite enamored with. I'm 35 and never married she's 31 and divorced for 4 years. We've been dating for about 2 months. My problem is that I feel so strongly for her that I'm afraid I'm being too easy, accommodating, and nice.
She has brought up the common belief that women, for whatever reasons, seem to be more attracted to men who are standoffish, cruel, etc. than those who are always pleasant. In the context of our discussion, I took her comments as an indirect admonition of my behavior. I'm trying to take things slowly and let the relationship grow on its own terms, but I have a hard time being coy with her.
I seem to always be the one who initiates contact and interaction, although she is usually fairly eager to spend time with me. We both have histories of being quite independent. While I don't think I'm smothering her, I am concerned that she would prefer me to back off a bit. Problem is, my internal programming is not allowing me to do this. I don't want to lose her. What should I do?
A - Dear Greg,
Iâll give you the one-size-(may)-fit-all answer. (Keep in mind there are variables here). Now,when a girl child is small, her experience of Îdaddyâ may be of a male who is busy and preoccupied. Often, Îdaddyâ doesnât really know how to interact with little girls, is not interested, is too busy, or a host of other possibilities. Now, it you also add to the mix, a father who is an alcoholic, a drug or wife abuser, or a couple of other unsavory things, then the little girlâs identification of Îdaddyâ is of a male that, in order for her to attract his attention, she has to act in a certain way and she will STILL not get a good result. From the time the baby girl is first aware of an Îotherâ -- not mommy -- till sheâs about four, when sheâs having a full-blown love affair with Îdaddyâ, she has learned Îappropriateâ behaviors to attract this most important male to her.
I think you can see, that, unless she has been blessed with a wonderful, loving and attentive father who loves and values her as a human being, that, by the time she gets to you,........well, nothing YOU can do is going to make a difference.
The more interesting question here is......you. Now, if, as a baby and toddler, YOU had the experience of having to work to get mommyâs attention, then a Îdifficultâ woman is going to Îfitâ with your particular neurotic pattern. If, as a youngster, you Îsetâ a pattern of ÎI can rescue her and THEN sheâll love meâ youâre really in for a ride. ( Like draws like in relationships). That you are even interested in a woman who so clearly tells you who she is......and she surely did that!........indicates that you have a need to Îbump upâ against the frustration level of uncertainty and rejection.
I understand that you Îdonât want to lose herâ, however, feel how uncomfortable and concerned that YOU are feeling........trying to Îkeep mommyâ from rejecting you if you donât Îbehave just rightâ. This is basic programming and, if it doesnât feel right to you now, that inner flutter of anxiety just isnât going to go away.
Remember, in this world, we get to be JUST who we are -- and so does everyone else......thatâs a constant.
She wonât change and you can only change yourself. If you find that this is an ongoing pattern in your life, or that you feel Îfrustratedâ that Îthis is how women areâ.....get thee to a good psychologist and do the work that will point you toward a comfort level of women who are happy to have a nice guy.........theyâre out there!
- Annabelle
Q - Dear Annabelle,
Thanks so much for your response. You were quite perceptive regarding my girlfriend's past - her mom died when she was about 7, and her dad was an alcoholic who sexually abused her (although she says she doesn't hold it against him and feels somewhat responsible for it).
You were also right in pegging me as someone who needs to "bump up" against
frustration. I guess I could say that, when I don't feel the potential for rejection from my partner, I have tended to not be interested anymore. I don't want to change my girlfriend at all, but I did think I wanted to change my internal reaction, (which was manifesting itself in erratic behavior on my part), to the uncertainty of the relationship.
I'm not so sure I even want that, now that I've got some level of control over the erratic behavior. I've found that trying to keep a "one day at a time" attitude about our relationship has eased my anxiety level. You're right, all I can be is me. I appreciate your insight.
|
