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Q - Dear Annabelle,
I met a man a little over a year ago. We became good friends and started dating about 9 months ago. (He is divorced, with one daughter). I get along great with both his daughter and his family.
About 2 weeks ago he tried to commit suicide. The reason, I found out, was that he feels that he is a homosexual and would rather die than have to live his life in this manner. He said he was raised to believe it was wrong and although he's had these tendencies, he believed they would go away once he met the right woman. He was afraid to tell me about these feelings because he doesn't want to lose me. We recently went out with a gang of people to celebrate his birthday and now, of all times, he told me he loved me.
I'm devastated because I have really fallen in love with him and think we're a great match. Maybe it's just wishful thinking on my part but isn't there some type of therapy or counseling for someone who has such strong feelings against this? His
psychiatrist says he just has to accept it. Does anyone have any other thoughts on this?
A - Dear Geri,
Uh oh.........Iād love to tell you that this is a Īfixableā situation but that would be a lie. Iāll deal with this in parts.
Now, keep in mind that life, of all sorts, is on a continuum, and that, in sexuality people range from VERY male to VERY female. Think about that for a minute.........that
leaves a great deal of Īspaceā in the Īmiddleā of that line for variations, doesnāt it? There are, to be just a little more Ītidyā about it, five sexes along that continuum and, I suppose, there are those who Īdriftā along the line as well. (Think of that Īdriftingā as the Īchoiceā part.) You have heard Trent Lott, (and others), maintain that there is a Ītreatmentā for homosexuality..........well, think about this for a minute.
In life we do, in fact, have Īchoicesā.....however for one who is gender-uncertain, the Īchoiceā is not always clear. For a genuine, born-this-way homosexual, well, thatās as much a part of his make up and as Īrealā as it gets.......thereās no equivocation or Īchoiceā or Īfixingā about it. What Senator Lott is talking about is that one does not, (ever), have to ACT on oneās feelings..........and there are a very very large group of people who are so rabidly opposed to homosexuality that, for those who are - genuinely -- homosexual to NEVER act upon their sexual orientation is what these people believe is Ībestā. We live in a very structured society and the Īfringe dwellers,ā as homosexuals are often believed to be, are not generally well tolerated.
For your friend, I donāt know what to say, but for you, I have a question. Thereās something about this fellow that attracts you........and now youāre deeply disappointed that heās not as Īmaleā as you -- or he -- thought. This is not (necessarily) a problem, however. The problem is.......and hear me here, please..........if he decides to ACT OUT on his beliefs that he is, in fact, a homosexual, then not only is he, but YOU are in danger of a sexually transmitted disease. (You are anyway if youāre sexually active, but the percentages go WAY up if youāre involved with a homosexual or with someone who is a bisexual.)
Studies have also shown that gays and lesbians express their sexuality differently. While lesbians TEND to have more monogamous and committed relationships, homosexuals, (men), TEND to be wider ranging, more acquisitive sexually, and less interested in sexual safety.....in other words, for men, itās, (generally,) a Īnumbersā game.
This puts you at VERY great risk for infection and, possibly death.
I can understand your pain here, but this fellow, while desirable as a friend is, most likely, not a good bet for a long-term relationship on any other basis than Ījust friendsā.
That he is suicidal is the last issue here. He is in NO condition to enter into an emotional relationship with you. That he is under a doctorās care is a very good thing. Suggestion: wait a couple of years, (though DO get on with you own life), and see what comes of his progress.
This is hard, I know. Not only on him and on you, but, especially, on the innocent here -- his daughter.
- Annabelle
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