|
|
Q - Dear Annabelle,
I just ended a 3 and a half year relationship with my boyfriend. The problem is that I only want to be his friend, but he seems to want more. He does not want marriage or a serious commitment,but he wants to try to control my life. I can't even have friends of the opposite sex come over without him getting upset and threatening to hurt them. He says he is involved with someone but he still wants to tell me what to do. Please tell me what to do. I have tried to distance myself from, but he still calls and comes around anyway .
A - Dear Theresa,
If you REALLY want this guy to leave you alone, youāve got to quit sending mixed signals. Ex-boyfriends do NOT transmorgrify into Īfriendsā.......does NOT happen. Quit trying to 'make niceā and decide that heās OUT of your life....period. (From his actions, Iād guess you havenāt made a judgmental error on this one.)
You tell him ONCE.....that he is to leave you alone. You really cannot have it both ways. You simply tell him, ćThis is not working, itās best that we not see each other any more. Goodbyeä. Change your locks, your phone number if necessary, your email address and, if things donāt settle down, there are womenās groups in your area to help you with filing restraining orders. He has a boundary problem with which YOU need to deal . NO one can Īcontrolā you without your cooperation. YOU have to Īvolunteerā to be controlled.
Often, women donāt learn the meaning of the word Īnoā. ĪNoā means......N-O! (Thatās PART of Īgrowing upā.) Now, if he continues to be a problem, and you HAVE said to him that he is no longer a part of your life, then you file a restraining order. This is all part of your setting boundaries.....something YOU may never have learned to do. Tell him he may not call you or come over. If he continues to call, and you have filed a restraining order, file harassment charges with the police department and have the phone company put a Ītrapā on your line.
I know that many women really donāt feel they have Īpowerā over their own lives. That feeling is illusory....but the Īfeelingā takes on power and creates the reality. This is NOT as tough as it sounds.....YOU could do with a good reality check.....you CAN do this.......I know that you know you can.....now DO it...and get on with your life.
- Annabelle
Q - Dear Annabelle,
Still have a follow-up question. Please understand.
You say my options with her were foreclosed when she became a mother. Her responsibility is with the father. It almost sounds like, if you want a girl to never leave you then the best strategy would be to get her pregnant somehow. Whether she's ready or not, or maybe even if she wants to or not. People would support you if the women ever tried to break up the "Family Unit". Does having a child mean you must live with the father regardless if he cares for you or not? What hope do abused women have if society says that the child is the innocent one so Īstay in the relationship and work it outā?
A - Dear David,
OK, now I have more information. You say the father of the child is abusive. IF the mommy/wife person is wiling to leave him, which she may not be, because people unerringly pick what they, (expect), to receive, then I vote for your side. When I say that she may truly be reluctant to leave, part of the abuse pattern is for the womanās self esteem to have become so eroded that they come to believe that the deserve, or have caused, the behavior. That the Īabuserā is inevitably in the wrong doesnāt seem to register.
The Ībalanceā for this particular equation is that YOU are coming in as the Īrescuerā. The equation is now the abuser+the abused+the rescuer. This does not always = a happy outcome. There are other variables at play here. What this requires is a delicacy of understanding, and of action, that may or may not, transpire. I applaud you willingness to be the Īgood guyā here, but, since I donāt know the true particulars of the situation, my input here is of no real, valid, value. I can only give an opinion based on what YOU have told me. I have not hear from the other two in the triangle.
The female may not be telling the entire truth. It is most certainly a Ītruthā that she wishes you, and perhaps, herself to see. I do not know how old the child is. I have no idea what the father person really does here. This is being presented as a soap opera funneled through a very narrow filter. Things are rarely clear-cut in black and white. The fellow might be one of several things...none of which are represented in what I have been told. It would be extremely unusual for him to be a total villain and not at all likely that he would be willing to let his woman and child go blithely off with another, Ībetterā man. It would be my guess that this is going to be a rough road and best handled with the help of a very competent marriage and family counselor.You live in a town where there are several excellent ones. If you are interested, I will recommend three to you.
Now, on another, and unlikely, assumption that everything IS exactly as represented to me, good for you and good luck to all of you!
- Annabelle
|
