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Q - Dear Annabelle,
After 9 years of wondering Īwhat could've beenā, I've come across my Ex-girlfriend again. Weāre talking and things look pretty good. But she now has a little girl and still lives with the babies father. We originally broke up because I was with my friends too much. I still think she's great and I would accept the little girl as my own. I'm still single no kids. She says she's Īin the wrong relationshipā. Did it because everybody said it was Īthe right thing to doā. Don't want to be the "other woman" but it's hard not to see her. So what do I do?
A - Dear David,
Your options, and hers, were foreclosed when she became a mother. Her FIRST responsibility is to see that her child has a loving father. That she is Īin the wrong relationshipā doesnāt speak well for her maturity level. (Mature people donāt go about risking a childās future to a non-marital coupling). ĪMarriageā is not advanced dating and, that she takes her childās position in the world so lightly, doesnāt indicate well for her ability to commit to a stable and ongoing situation.
That YOU feel that you could make a Īgoā of it, given your past realizations, is one thing, but unless you are also willing to understand that you are living in a fantasy and this may NOT eventuate as you wish, this is going to be even more difficult than you think. The person with whom sheās living, is that the babyās father? Well, thatās a Īfamily unitā. I donāt know the age of the baby, (and this does make a difference). People arenāt just plastic pieces to be moved about on a game board.......... and the variables here are sticky, indeed.
Letās assume the baby is very, very young, the daddy person is quite willing for you to take over and the lady-of-your-dreams is willing to love you..and only you...for ever and ever. That being the case, there is a possibility of this working out, but then I was raised on fairy tales and, more often than not, reality in the form of an ogre had to be vanquished...not always a doable task.
Sometimes, in Īreal lifeā, as in the fairy tales, the noble young gentleman has to do the Īright thingā and move on. This is not something I can solve from here and I donāt know enough to be helpful...just give the reality of this situation lots of thought......and, for goodness sakes, donāt do ANY thing that would louse up the babies life.....sheās the innocent here.
- Annabelle
Q - Dear Annabelle,
Still have a follow-up question. Please understand.
You say my options with her were foreclosed when she became a mother. Her responsibility is with the father. It almost sounds like, if you want a girl to never leave you then the best strategy would be to get her pregnant somehow. Whether she's ready or not, or maybe even if she wants to or not. People would support you if the women ever tried to break up the "Family Unit". Does having a child mean you must live with the father regardless if he cares for you or not? What hope do abused women have if society says that the child is the innocent one so Īstay in the relationship and work it outā?
A - Dear David,
OK, now I have more information. You say the father of the child is abusive. IF the mommy/wife person is wiling to leave him, which she may not be, because people unerringly pick what they, (expect), to receive, then I vote for your side. When I say that she may truly be reluctant to leave, part of the abuse pattern is for the womanās self esteem to have become so eroded that they come to believe that the deserve, or have caused, the behavior. That the Īabuserā is inevitably in the wrong doesnāt seem to register.
The Ībalanceā for this particular equation is that YOU are coming in as the Īrescuerā. The equation is now the abuser+the abused+the rescuer. This does not always = a happy outcome. There are other variables at play here. What this requires is a delicacy of understanding, and of action, that may or may not, transpire. I applaud you willingness to be the Īgood guyā here, but, since I donāt know the true particulars of the situation, my input here is of no real, valid, value. I can only give an opinion based on what YOU have told me. I have not hear from the other two in the triangle.
The female may not be telling the entire truth. It is most certainly a Ītruthā that she wishes you, and perhaps, herself to see. I do not know how old the child is. I have no idea what the father person really does here. This is being presented as a soap opera funneled through a very narrow filter. Things are rarely clear-cut in black and white. The fellow might be one of several things...none of which are represented in what I have been told. It would be extremely unusual for him to be a total villain and not at all likely that he would be willing to let his woman and child go blithely off with another, Ībetterā man. It would be my guess that this is going to be a rough road and best handled with the help of a very competent marriage and family counselor.You live in a town where there are several excellent ones. If you are interested, I will recommend three to you.
Now, on another, and unlikely, assumption that everything IS exactly as represented to me, good for you and good luck to all of you!
- Annabelle
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