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Q - Dear Annabelle,
I have been dating the same man for over a year. I have been honest with him from the beginning. When I felt that I loved him I told him and, at that time, he informed me that he was Īnot sure if he felt the sameā. He told me that he Īcared about me a lot but he was not sure if it was loveā. A few months later he told me that he Īloved meā. Since then he's cheated on me twice and, in my opinion, has become very selfish.
We have purchased a time-share together and are in the process of buying a house together. Yesterday he told me that he still loves me and wants to be with me, but he's not sure if he's ready to settle down because he hasn't dated very many women and he's not sure if he's missing out on anything by not dating his share of the female population. I told him it's okay to have cold feet and to be nervous, but I wonder what else I could tell him? He's the best thing that's ever happened to me and I know that I'm the best female that he's dated so far. I also know that I love him more than anyone else ever has, with the exception of his family.
I don't want to let him walk away without a fight and I don't think he's trying to walk away, but I also think that the best way to keep something is to let it go and see if it returns. I lovedŹhim enough to stay with him after he cheated on me, and I love him enough to look past his faults. He told me that he's Īconfusedā and I believe him. He's 25 years old. I could enclose a lot more but I don't want to take up to much of your time.
A - Dear Ty,
What you have just told me is that you youāre to be in a relationship with a fellow who cheats on you and who has made it very clear that he has every intention of continuing to do so. Whether you are clearly aware of it or not, youāre attempting to pin someone down who just isnāt ready to live such a circumscribed life...and heās TOLD you that! You are in, essentially, a non-exclusive, non-committed, (at least on his part), relationship with a fellow with whom you are now co-mingling your funds in the Īhopeā that Īone day things will work out, he will love you exclusively and everything will be wonderful, all sweetness and lightā. Well, if I had a magic wand to bonk you with, then that sort of thing might be possible. I donāt have a magic wand and, from what little you have told me, that sort of thing is not likely going to happen no matter HOW much you love him and think heās Īworth fighting forā.
Some guys are just funny in a very un-funny sort of way. They just LOVE being wanted, and, when LOTS of women want them, thatās even better. That you are willing to put up with what he is offering gives him absolute permission to continue in the behavior that you say hurts you so. Youāre living on hope....when what you have is reality. Thereās an old saying: ćThe race isnāt always to the swift nor the contest to the strong, but thatās the way to bet.ä Youāve set your standards very low, and youāre calling it Īloveā.....youāre hoping that he will, somehow, do the Īgood character and noble thingā, make an honest woman out of you ...and a man of himself....and live up to your expectations.
Ty, itās mommies who hope their young boys will Īlive up to their expectationsā. Women choose grown men who DO already evidence those expectations. Good luck to you on THIS one....youāre going to need it.
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