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Q - Dear Annabelle,
Every man I meet that I like tells me they feel smothered as soon as we are into a few months of the relationship. I crave attention and fell for a guy on the net. I met him and liked him instantly, which is very unusual, and we had sex the first time we were together. I felt like I knew him well, as we had corresponded by email for months. After I returned home I called him to let him know I was home and he acted very cold and told me Īthere was no chemistry on his partā, but the sex was great and, if I could settle for that, he would love to keep seeing me.
It's over 100 miles one way to his house and he can't drive down here, not that he would, due to a severe back injury. He feels chemistry is instantaneous but I feel friendship has to develop first. We have the same interests and enjoy doing lots of things together but it seems I'm the one always giving. He always sent me tons of email every day, but today he told me he felt he was being smothered by me wanting email and not to forget our agreement.
I was hoping to become friends with him and, possibly, a relationship. It seems I'm turning him off. I know I crave a lot of attention, as it's something I've never had from a man, and something I desperately need, but I also don't want to lose this man as I can see lots of good points in him but also see some bad ones. He has no respect for my feelings and really doesn't mind hurting them but, today I called and talked to him, (long distance), and he said he was sick of sending email as I was never satisfied.
I tease him a lot and he knows I'm not serious but said he may send me one a day, or week, (whatever), but this evening when I got home, much to my surprise there was an email from him. I really believe he has feelings for me but would rather not become emotionally involved with any woman. There's no way that I'm aware of to determine if there's chemistry in one or 2 meetings without giving a relationship chance to grow. Please help me with this.
A - Dear Nancy,
Youāve been devouring people.....men.........and when itās come to the point when a guy very clearly tells you that he wants to USE you for sex....but only if YOUāLL drive the 200 mile round trip and doesnāt otherwise want to relate to you, well, Nancy, thatās as good a Īwake-up callā from the Universe as Iāve ever heard. Whether YOU are willing to Īhearā it, is another story. Youāre stuck.....you really are..........and you have a choice to make. Youāve essentially worked yourself into a maze with no exit...........are you willing to spend the time.....and money.........and psychic energy.....to build yourself a Īnewā relationship with your SELF? Because, if you arenāt, well, thatās your decision....but what youāve just written to me is going to be the recurring theme for as long as you continue to be the Īyouā that you now are.
I may as well be very straight with you....at 57, with the behavior you have described to me, your chances of having a long-lasting, solid relationship with a male are somewhere between Īslimā and Īnoneā........your Īwiringā is simply just, ......well, youāve got some work to do here.....a LOT of work. Now.....IF you are willing to devote yourself to your SELF for the next two years in therapy with a REALLY GOOD psychologist who wonāt give you Īwiggle roomā and who will keep you focused, thereās a CHANCE that you may come to a new understanding, not only of your self and of how you are in the world, but also how you came to be who you are and how you can relate to others.......successfully.
- Annabelle
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