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Q - Dear Annabelle,
I met a women from outside the USA,She came to visit and we fell in love. Towards the end of the visit I got very sarcastic instead of addressing what was on my mind. Well, it was a button that I shouldn't of pressed. Now she thinks that is the way I am all the time and she now has serious questions about our relationship and me. I am heart sick and frustrated....never have I acted in that way before and I have addressed the reasons why this happened...i.e- overwhelming feelings, the suddenness of our situation, separation anxiety. Please help me find an answer to what I should do. Iris (that's her name) was very hurt by my behavior and I can hardly blame her. But I guess, (selfish, I know), I feel that I need a second chance, she is not so sure...says she needs time to heal her heart to see if she can reanimate her love feelings for me. Please advise. I truly love this person.
A - Dear Peter,
I believe that you DO love Iris. You now also have a valuable bit of information about yourself. When you are under stress, fearing great loss and seeming abandonment, you turn to sarcasm and act as if you donāt care that your words wound. This is the defense of a very angry toddler......the very thing that gets that same toddler put in Ītime outā..which is where you now find yourself. While this is not uncommon, it doesnāt, as now you well know, serve you well. You could do worse than spend some time with a shrink rooting out the cause of this reaction, and replacing it with another, more appropriate expression of fear of abandonment. (Thatās what it is, you know, and we ALL have it). This would NOT be hard to do..........a little time consuming, but worth it.
Now, back to the matter at hand. If everything else about the relationship was fine, just send her this letter if you want to. Doing a really serious mea culpa is not the worst thing in the world......although many women are very rightly leery of any man who appears to be abusive....and your lady love may just be one who has her feelers out to avoid any sign of such a thing. Women are a lot smarter than they used to be, and some guys are a bit late to the realization that one does NOT, regardless of the provocation, treat their loves with any less care then they would treat any valued relationship.
That she needs time for her heart to heal is vary valid. If you are VERY wise you wonāt allow...ever....even the slightest tremor of sarcasm to ever again cross your lips.
- Annabelle
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