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Q - Dear Annabelle,
I left a relationship of 19 years. Hard times but stayed together. Money came into our hands .........it was great ........got all his toys, and a car for me, investments, etc., and he gained power and control of me and everything. I took all I could and decided, Īenough!ā and moved out while he was on a day trip. I wanted him just to enjoy this with me. I needed love not money or castle.
He did not come after me because he warned me if I did this, through being stubborn, he would go on in life alone..........no matter how much it hurt , So he did, for 3 weeks, moved another in and they have been together for 7 months. She has been in 2 abusive relationships prior and decided that, for her to make a commitment to him, she has to move out and be on her own to make this decision. She had already been alone for a few years .......apparently no body really knows, The day after he moved her out he has been calling me 3-4 times a day saying that he would like to be Īfriendsā and that it could be a reunion for us as long as I give him time. I agreed, because I do love him, of course with counseling for us both.
Then he tells me that he has agreed with her to Īdate for a yearā and, in that time, they may get back together and will become engaged and married . Anyway this women, in the 7 months, has shown Īno compassionā, as he says.........no meals, no laundry no sharing in any expenses and, as he said, no Īcloseness of any kindā, he says there is 2 sides to her and he is in love with the one that he took on a holiday and feels that she will be back. She has 2 kids, 21&2,3 and the only time she is happy is when she is with them.
Could you please tell me if I should throw this away, or is he holding onto a ...what? He told me 2 nights ago that I was getting the Īwrong vibesā from him, after him being here for supper and I spent a night with him, and told me he Ībetter stop callingā because this Īwasn't fair to herā and that she Īdonāt deserve being hurtā.
A - Dear Gail,
You already know the answer to this one and youāve written to me hoping that Iāll say, Īno, everything will be just the way you want itā.........(and you already know thatās not the case). He is not an integrated personality and, that you fit into the schemata somewhere, indicates that it might be a really good idea for you to get yourself to a good psychologist to work on the integration of YOUR self........people cannot control you without your cooperation and, that you have such a yearning for an, essentially, Ībroken system,ā indicates that some soul searching and self strengthening of your self would really be a good idea.
You see, when we have deficits in our characterological makeup we attract, and are attracted by, the Īmatching deficitā components in others......and thatās what you have here. YOU, at least, recognize that thereās an Īoddā problem. Now, you have a choice to make......you can continue on an unexamined path, go get a self-help book and try to do the work yourself, (which wonāt work because you canāt Īseeā where you are relative to the other Īplayers in the gameā), or spend the time, energy and $$ to effect a change in how you experience both yourself AND the world. The latter is the hardest to do because it is painful and takes the most time and money. The former two will just perpetuate the situation in which you find yourself. (I know this sounds terribly cavalier and uncaring on my part.)
Keep in mind that you KNOW something is Īwrongā...and you had the presence of mind to ask someone with diagnostic abilities to assess your presentation of your situation. You are facing a difficult decision, no matter what you choose. Doing the Īrightā thing for yourself will produce a better outcome in the future, and that takes a kind of devotion and courage that Iāll bet you actually have. Wouldnāt you like to get to the point where you have healthy relationships with people? You actually will be able to do that...!
- Annabelle
Q - Dear Annabelle,
I would like to thank you for your answer. I do believe that future
help for me will be beneficial, I just would like to ask what does he see in
her? He was very negative in everything he said, but feels when, the Īother
personā comes out, that is who he Īlovesā, which is only when she is around her children, 21& 23 and her grandchild.
What is attracting him to her? She is very cold, no affection, no sexual contact and, in the 7 months being together, no warmth, but she apparently has taught him a lot. Iām sorry I do not see through this. What is ahead for him? Do I remain friends?
A - Dear Gail,
That this is painful for you is evident, and I donāt know if it will be of help, but you should know that what is, (likely), happening here is that he is Īcaughtā in the Zeigarnik effect of reworking something through from very, very early childhood. You see, we humans are odd creatures.....when something is Īgoodā and complete, we can let it go. However, especially when there was an early injury to the Īselfā, known as a ĪNarcissistic injuryā...well, the damage is not only life long, but a matching piece of that neurosis can kick off the early yearning for wholeness and the belief that ĪTHIS time we can heal the broken placeā.
Itās more than likely that his earliest relationship with his mother was a somehow traumatic one. It didnāt, in reality, actually HAVE to be traumatic, just have been perceived that way by the infant version of him. You see, infants and young children really have no words or context into which to fit their experiences.....itās all pictures, colors and sensations. A belief can be formed about a situation, through which other experiences are funneled. If he had a mother who was angry or depressed, well, because children believe that they Īcauseā the world and everything in it, they think it is THEY who have created the Mommyās moods and who can, if they just try hard enough, Īfixā the Mommy. This is so powerful, and fixed a belief that, if this is what is happening, there is no way for you to impact this situation. Iām really sorry, but when an infant Īhookā reaches into adulthood and is activated, itās virtually impossible to get away from it...unless the person themselves is very clear, through good therapeutic work, how they are impacting in their own lives. This is very difficult for you, Iām sure, and Iāll bet youāre just beating yourself up something fierce. Itās hard to stand by and see these things happen to someone for whom we care...especially with the knowledge that we had a part in itās inception. From all that you have said, it does sound as if there is some terrifically difficult bond with the early Mother......he has a lot of anger and hurt.......you have no power in that terrible place of injury.
He may, or may not, be able to unhook from this woman.....what YOU need to do is to get on with your own life.............thatās painful, hard, and real. Nineteen years is a long time and it will take you many years until you are somewhat clear of this situation.......(some research suggests that the grieving period for a relationship is about half as long as the relationship lasted). It would benefit you to get some good psychological help to work your way through the thicket of pain into which you have gotten yourself.
- Annabelle
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