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Q - Dear Annabelle,
I don't normally ask for advice on the net, (there is a first time for everything I suppose.) I read several messages you have given to others & feel you are knowledgeable through your own experiences & wisdom.
I have been living with my partner since Ī93- we have known each other a lot longer at first as friends. We met at a recovery fellowship meeting & have both managed to remain alcohol free for sometime now. We have each been divorced for well over 11 yrs. He is the first man I have ever trusted with my feelings and I consider him to be my "best friend." He is an entertainer, (works nights). I am in management & work days. We have usually 2 full days & nights together a week.
I have expressed to him over the years how "important" marriage is to me, the Ultimate
Commitment two people can possibly make to one another. Finally, this Christmas, he gave me the engagement ring! He loves me. I have no doubts whatsoever about that, however, he is not ready to set a date. I want to marry this man and spend the
rest of my life with him.
Our children "used"to be the reason we waited, now they are all grown up & off on their own. We each had an affair back in 94'. I only did it because he hurt me & I wanted to get even, (pretty childish I know!) That was the only time I ever saw him cry. My friends & family adore him, but they also tell me if he hasn't married me by now, he never will.
We have been through some major life changes together & he has supported me through two major surgeries, (one of which was a hysterectomy), the rebellion years my teens put me through, three family deaths and two of "my" relapses in recovery. He has always been there to love & support me through it all. He listens to me whine. He has never physically or emotionally abused me, (like my ex's did). I am afraid I will never have the opportunity to walk down the aisle. Why am I so damned insecure?? How long is too long??? Any advice?? Please respond.
A - Dear Kathy,
(You donāt Īnormally ask for adviceā, and I donāt really give advice, but I will lend my never-to-be-humble-opinion). I donāt know who Ītheyā are, but what you describe sounds as least as good as some marriages I know about. Yes, youād LIKE to be married...weāll get to that in a bit. Maybe he just needs some positive reinforcement ....you have the ring, and I assume you showed your happiness about that and he noticed that he didnāt die or anything.....how about going to a couples counselor to see if some of the fears about marriage can be worked out?
Marriage isnāt Ījust a piece of paperā....thereās more to it than that, and I think thatās what youāre sensing. You could always do the Īsix months to marriage or youāre outā type of thing, but I donāt think you could pull that one off and make it stick. You both have addictās personalities and youād not be able to stay apart, especially after all youāve gone through.
It sounds as if youāre able to be straight with each other......just DONāT give in to the retribution thing vis a vis sex next time you get in a snit...I KNOW you got upset, but you also know what a problem THAT can develop into. Really, your life sounds pretty darned good and Iām very happy to hear that SOMEone out there is at least semi- happy. Truly....you need to clearly articulate what each of your concerns and fears are about marriage and I think a good counselor can help you with that. By now he knows you well enough to know that you arenāt a nutball, (technical term, do not try this at home), and he sounds like a good match for you as well. I support your wanting to be married and completely understand your need to walk down the aisle.....especially with someone you love as you love him. This is what the counselor can help you clarify. Deadlines are good things....especially when the other side of that line can bring such joy....youāve obviously gone through the Ītrial periodā and survived it all. Perhaps itās time to tell him that you want to be his WIFE....not just his live in honey. Iāll keep my fingers crossed for you.
- Annabelle
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