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Q - Dear Annabelle,
I have a pretty big dilemma in my life right now and I need some smart advice. I've been dating this wonderful older man since February 1997. I came to find out after a few weeks of dating him that he was going through divorce and has two children. My heart fell for him that I didn't listen to my head and just left it then and there. We've been dating now for almost two years and it seems as if the divorce is dragging and my friends, family keep asking "Is he divorced yet...etc." in which I keep having to respond, Înoâ. This February, 1999 would be two years for us, but reality has been slapping me really hard that this is not what I want in my life. I've never been married, have no kids and I went against my standards by dating this guy.
I told myself I would NEVER date anyone in that situation, but my heart led me in the wrong direction. Now, I met a wonderful guy on-line and we've been dating for a month now....he has ALL the qualities I've been looking for and he wants a serious relationship with me. Now I recently had a long break from the older man and thought about things in which I decided to go for the guy I met on-line in which I told the older man that I can not handle his "situation" anymore. My big problem is the older man was just diagnosed with colon cancer, he's scared and needs people there for him, he cries to me saying that he needs me and he loves me.
I am the type of woman that can be suckered in because I can become a "care taker" per se and neglect how I feel or what I want. I have to admit I developed feelings for the older guy, but his situation bothers me big time. In the meantime the man who I met on-line is wonderful!! But I'm torn because I would love to be there for the older man, but if I do I will be miserable thinking that I want to get married one day, (not knowing how longer his divorce will take), and have my OWN children. So I have to put up with "guilties" from the older guy. I want things to work out between me and this other guy, but because of the crying and all from the older man I'm afraid I might slip back in for his benefit and not for mine.
He tells me I'm insensitive......but technically he's still married, (legally separated though), and he doesn't understand how I feel. I wish I could be there as someone to talk to, but the way he feels he may try to lure me back in by sympathy or whatever. I hate to leave him at such a trying time, but in all my relationships I've never thought of myself. Always sold myself short and I hate to admit it, but it makes me feel stingy. That I should just give up my wants and desires to take care of someone else's. What do you think I should do?
A - Dear Jennifer,
This may have resolved itself by now, but, for what itâs worth, stay far away from ANYone who is separated or who hasnât been divorced for a couple of years...else you risk becoming a Îhyphenâ......(one who is used as a spacer between being in the relationship and out of the relationship.) ÎHyphensâ rarely become permanent parts of the landscape and usually end up being the Îfor-the-time-beingâsâ security blanket. As you describe yourself, getting your bod into good psychotherapy would be a very good decision for your future. You werenât put on earth to tend to others while neglecting yourself, and yet thatâs the way youâve always played it. Remember, in the Bible it says to Îlove others as thyselfâ.......it doesnât say to love others and avoid yourself. Turn your attention to where it belongs, to building up YOU, and then you will be in a state of mind and maturity to attract a like person.....and not one who uses you as an accessory or as a transitional object. Good luck...I know this hurts.....a lot.
Q - Dear Annabelle,
First I'd like to say thank you for the advice! And second, I've ditched the older man who was separated. It was tough and it did hurt! He was torn apart, he cried, he said I never gave him a chance to find out about marriage. Two years is enough chance
and since nothing has been "done" yet, how could I believe him. So, I had to painfully tell him it was over, now I'm specifically dating the man I met on-line. Good news! We're getting engaged in the spring!!! MY FIRST TIME AND HIS FIRST TIME! I'll never sell myself short again or go against my standards!
A - Dear Jennifer,
You're welcome! (You did what needed doing and now you have your reward).
- Annabelle
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