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Q - Dear Annabelle,
I dated a woman for the past year who was just divorced and still in love with her ex-husband. She told me she couldn't love any more. We got to be good friends, then lovers. She wanted to go back to friends. I couldn't do that and tried to break it off at least six times. Each time I would end up going back to her--usually she would miss me and call and I'd get sucked back in. After the holidays I told her that was it, I couldn't go on with it. I poured my heart out to her and told her how much I loved her. She was sad, but understood what I had to do. She had left a jacket in my car (one I
gave her for Christmas) and contacted me to "swing by" and get it on her way by my house. I was upset that she thought she could just swing by when I told her I can't be around her right now without being her lover. I had told her I'd get the jacket to her. I was cold to her when she came by, and she thought it was because she hadn't called me when she said she would (another story). She has also sent me a card during the week telling me she missed me and saying she hoped I was doing well. She said she was worried about me. After she left I was drinking and left her a mean message telling her how selfish she was for not understanding why I was upset, and telling
her I don't need her sympathy or her. I was not nice in the message. A few days later I tried to apologize and she hung up on me. I went to her house and she wouldn't answer the door. She answered the phone and told me never to call and to get off her doorstep.
I have been very remorseful about leaving the message, but I believe the things I said were true. I just don't like the way I said them. She claims to really care for me, but she doesn't love me the way I want. I feel I've been used. I've bought her things and taken her places the whole time we've been together. I knew I had to end it, but I regret the way it happened.
Should I continue to try and apologize? Or was my previous effort enough?
A - Dear Rob,
Yes, apologize to yourself for putting your SELF in this position.If someone offered you a hammer would you hit yourself over the head with it? Think with your big head.......your other one is getting you into trouble.......yes, let it go. Youāve learned something about yourself...under stress you say things you later regret. Isnāt that a waste also? I would hope that you also learned to give a wide berth, (and I donāt men ābedā), to anyone not two years past a divorce. Whether you know it or not, you volunteered for the pain you are now in. My guess this isnāt the first time in your life youāve put yourself in this position and then gotten upset that this kind of thing resulted. Life has Īstopā signs.......and, when you run them, thereās a a big olā policeman right there to ticket you. Stay with what works......and put the hammer away.
- Annabelle
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