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Q - Dear Annabelle,
I have been dated this guy on and off for 5 years. I have a lot of fun with him. He fulfills my physical needs and some of my emotional needs. He makes me laugh. However, he has no clue on relationships or romance...(thinks taking me golfing is romantic). But the guy still holds my heart in his hands. We split up .....again...... and this time I met another guy who is wonderful, thoughtful and caring. But there are no sparks between us, no fire. I miss that fire like I had with the first guy. The first guy and I are talking again and possibly considering moving in. Am I placing too much emphasis on the "spark/fire"...I mean we actually tremble when we see each other!!! Help...do I go back to the first guy or stay with the second?
A - Dear Mary,
Yes, the Îsprarklyâ kind of relationship can REALLY be fun....for awhile. Sometimes people become so attached to finding just the Îrightâ chemistry that they will ignore really worthwhile, but seemingly more staid, types of people. Hey, a Îgood guyâ CAN be a bit too steady. ÎWonderful thoughtful and caringâ may make a great marriage, but, in the Îshort runâ lacks the excitement of the heart-stopping wildly romantic drama.
Perhaps, to this one fellow, having you with him while heâs golfing IS romantic..however thereâs an interesting component here. You say Îwe actually tremble when we see each otherâ....well, thatâs worth something, probably a great deal, but might be, as we say in the profession, Îclinically interestingâ. The new fellow sounds nice, and so does the old one.....I would really recommend professional help on this one because thereâs more than just one piece of information missing from what youâve written.
In any case, if youâd like to marry one or the other of them, I do not recommend that you move in with either. Statistics show that, for those Îmoving inâ together, success rates in marriage are lower. It may be that because commitment to the Îotherâ, (since, in essence, youâre Îgoing for the goodiesâ and foregoing the commitment of marriage), is nonexistent, except when you Îfeelâ like it. Difficult times......and there will ALWAYS be Îdifficult timesâ make it easier to bail. I mean, if you havenât really made a commitment, hey, thereâs nothing between you, (or him), and the road, right?
- Annabelle
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