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Q - Dear Annabelle,
I have left the same relationship three times, basically because the situation was intolerable, but yet I loved him so much I thought he would change if I left. I thought it would wake him up. The problem is that he is extremely jealous and, because of that, reason, among others, he is very controlling. He moved in with me a month after we started dating and it didn't take long for him to take control of my life. He worked a different shift then I and said he constantly worried about what I was doing when he was gone. He gave me an ultimatum between him and my best friend. She didn't like him because he made me change my phone number and would not let us go out to bars and refused to go with me. Bars were forbidden. The last straw was when my son and I visited him at work on his lunch break and told him I was going to go bowling,he said he didn't believe that it was just my son and I going bowling and that I was not too go. I was starting to feel isolated. He told me I must run the things I do by him before doing these things. Needless to say, I went bowling anyway and that ended our relationship for the last time. I don't want him back but just want to understand his behavior. I can't even comprehend why he pushed me away? Will he ever change? He said trading my friends for him is like trading a Chevette for a Porche.
A - Dear Cathy,
Enclosed is the classic list of how women are controlled by abusive men. I seriously recommend that you seek counseling because YOU allowed this person into your life......itās is important that you Īchange your radio stations ā to bring in another kind of signal....you are in danger. A person cannot control us without our allowing them to do so. This is not a put-down of you, itās a suggestion, to be taken very seriously. These things happen because we are not aware that, for most people, this kind of thing just wouldnāt happen. Now, go get yourself into therapy, either individually or into a group. When you become aware that the position that this man took is laughable, youāll be much safer.
Also....do NOT live with a male to whom you are not married. Thatās very bad role modeling for your child...and it does YOU no good. ( And, in answer to your question, he does this because, inside, HE is a wimp and a bully.)
Here are the warning signals to help you distinguish a potential or actual batterer.:
1. Jealousy of you time with co-workers, friends and family. (isolates you)
2. Controlling behavior. (Controls your comings and goings and your
money and insists on ćhelpingä you make personal decisions.)
3. Isolation. (Cuts you off from all supportive resources such as
telephone pals, colleagues.)
4. Blames others for his problems.
5. Hypersensitivity. (Easily upset by are a part of daily life, such as
being asked to work overtime, criticism of any kind.)
6. Cruelty to animals or children.
7. ćPlayfulä use of force in sex. (May throw you down and hold you during
sex. May start having sex with you when you are sleeping.)
8. Verbal abuse. (Says cruel and hurtful things, wakes you up to verbally
abuse you or doesnāt let you go to sleep.)
9. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personality. (Sudden mood swings and
unpredictable
behavior -- one minute loving; the next minute, angry and punitive.)
10. History of battering. (Has hit others but has a list of excuses for having
been ćpushed over the edge.ä)
11. Threats of violence.
12. Breaking or striking objects. (Breaks your possessions, beats on the table with
fists.)
13. Uses force during an argument.
The cycle of abuse is, generally, this: Tension builds up, (for whatever reason), in the batterer. There is a release of that tension by battering. There is a Īcool downā period in which the batter apologizes, is taken back and the cycle is set to begin all over again. There is a particularly insidious type of batterer where the first two parts, and not the third are present.....this type of batterer is a true sociopath......a Īperson without a conscienceā.
A batterer controls his victim by diminishing her self-esteem in such a subtle manner that the woman does not realize what is happening until she feels absolutely worthless. Thatās when the beatings begin. Women stay in abusive relationships because they lack money and job skills........and society has done a poor job of protecting them.
You see, part of the problem is that, typically, an emotionally battered woman is made to feel ashamed as the batterer blames her for the problem and pressures her to keep what heās doing a secret from the world outside. Many abused women donāt leave because they think they have nowhere to go. There ARE shelters for battered women, though they tend to be woefully oversubscribed, and help IS available there.
A woman should never give a man a second chance to abuse her. It IS the womanās responsibility to get OUT....but, sometimes, the Īfeelingā that Īthings will get betterā gets in the way. Please understand that, without serious intervention it NEVER gets better....abusers get their power from the availability of weak and compliant women......does that describe YOU??
- Annabelle
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