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Q - Dear Annabelle,
I am a 40 yr.old female that has been in a relationship with a wonderful guy for the past 3 years.Ê We met 12 years ago and dated for almost 2, but we split up then.Ê
ÊÊÊ We started seeing each other, and last Christmas we became engaged.Ê It has been a strain as he had to go across country to finish his Ph.D, and we have tried to talk on the phone a lot and see each other as frequently as possible.Ê My going with him is not an option due to finances.
ÊÊÊ The last separation was 7 months long and when he came home he seemed depressed, it was as though he couldn't get away from me fast enough when he did see me.
ÊÊÊ I asked him if he felt that he had gotten himself into something he felt he couldn't get out of and he said yes.ÊThe relationship was broken off. Of course I was hurt.
ÊÊÊ There was a trip that had been planned and we went anyway, talked more and he says he loves me with all his heart, but doesn't feel that, with the present circumstances, (school, finances, and not knowing his future job prospects), if in fact the relationship was good because we don't see each other often enough and if I were in fact "the one for him". He still wanted to see me and continue the relationship, I told him I needed some time to think it over, and the next thing I know is he has sent a plane ticket to go out there.
ÊÊÊ
I was not certain I wanted to go, I was still feeling rejected and vulnerable, but he assured me he was going to take good care of me and so I went.
ÊÊÊ I wanted to see if our relationship had a future, and because I really do love him.Ê We discussed this commitment issue again, and while he says he loves me and he can't even imagine the future without me, he doesn't know about the rest of our lives.
ÊÊÊ After I came home, he withdrew again, and admitted to his reasons for wanting me to go there were not even similar to mine, he wanted me more to Îgo and hang out with himâ, as a friend, but I am upset because there was also sex involved and I think he should have been more honest with me about what he was feeling, he does the want me/not want me dance.Ê He has also told me he has said things he didn't really mean in order to hurt my feelings, (like if he ended up in California I was going with him), and now I am not sure what to believe, seems like every time he talks I am doing a reality check, and I am feeling somewhat used sexually because he was telling me how much he loves me and at the same time not knowing if he even wants me.
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He still wants to see me at Christmas, still wants to be a part of my life, but he also doesn't.Ê But on the other hand he also doesn't want to lose me completely forever.
ÊÊÊ I told him that either we are in a relationship or we are not, that IÊam not atÊÊÊ point willing to be his friend only, it would be hard to move on with him still around, still calling...still involved.
ÊÊÊ I since have told him that I need to sort out my head about this one, I asked him for 4 weeks and we have agreed.Ê I think we both needed some time to sort of calm down as it has been emotionally hard on us both and just stand back and see
what is going on.
ÊÊÊ
The problem is I don't know what is going on.ÊHe says he is confused and depressed and that he knows I want to be supportive but to him it feels like a burden, but he still wants me there, at arms length.
ÊÊÊ I don't understand how on one hand he can be so caring and loving and on the other not know what he wants.
A - Dear Gini,
I think you already know the answer on this one....(drat.) Sorry. Time to move on with your life and find someone who acts in a coherent manner.....and doesnât drag you along in his confused and indifferent wake. Iâm sorry you had to go through this......itâs called, as Iâm sure youâve figured out, a Îlearning experienceâ.
- Annabelle
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