|
|
Q - Dear Annabelle,
My boyfriend and I have been together for 15 months. I am 36, separated
for 8 years and have a 10 year old son. Dan is 29 and never been
married, but did live with someone who cheated on him and broke his
heart. As with every relationship, we have our ups and downs. After
four months together, he moved in with me. Too soon, I know. We lived
together for about 8 months, and I thought everything was wonderful.
After being in a marriage with a controlling and abusive partner, I thought I had finally found my soul mate. We seemed to connect on every level. And, then he gave me the "I need some space" speech and moved out.
We stopped seeing each other for a few weeks, and we were both
miserable, so now we are back on the roller coaster. We've talked about
what each of us wants. He does not want to live together again and is
perfectly happy continuing "to date". I, on the other hand, find it very difficult to go back to "dating" after living together. It's obvious to both of us that I want a deeper level of commitment than he is ready to give. He has been very honest and up front with me about what he wants and doesn't want in this relationship, and, for the most part, I'm OK with it. But, lately, I'm wondering if he'll ever be ready to move to the next level again. I wonder if I am just waiting and hoping for something that will never happen. He says he cares deeply for me, but has never said he loves me.
Is there any light at the end of the tunnel?
A - Dear Cindy,
Youāve gotten things all sort of mixed up here. Youāre so focused on what YOU want that youāre not really hearing what heās telling you........and what heās telling you is that he isnāt clear on what HE wants. You say you are Īseparatedā.......does that mean not divorced? (That would have a bearing right there.) That you lived together without being married is a very bad idea......and very bad role modeling for your son. When we trivialize commitment and sexuality, things do have of way of getting out of kilter. You say Ī It's obvious to both of us that I want a deeper level of commitment than he is ready to giveā.........and yet you donāt want to accept that reality. Cindy, you have what you have...and youāre trying to see it as something else. This lack of an integrated reality creates the dissonance in which you now find yourself. For whatās it worth, Īthat (higher) level of
commitmentā is marriage, not living together. The Īlight at the end of the tunnelā of which you speak is truth...and youāve been running away from that.
- Annabelle
|
